ROB-EMO WATCH:

Ryo Nishikido is so emo it hurts (oh wait! that’s um the point?); he is more emo than Robin Hood, Bandit Way’s dirty nappies and five kicked puppies. In “A litre of tears” he was the boyfriend (well – the “it’s complicated”, if we want to be all facebook about it) of someone suffering from a terminal degenerative disease, and now HE is suffering from a terminal degenerative disease and woe, misery, doom and despair. This is a one off drama airing during 24 Hr Television (if that means anything to you – for me generally it just means Arashi wear bad matching tshirts).

“Niini no Koto wo Wasurenaide”, in which our hero has many Adventyures and a Promysyne Future, yet the cruelleth Fayte doth Preye upon his Cerebellum by a Tumour of the Brayne, whereupon the loving familial Bosom is rejected in Wrath – for hours and hours – THEN HE DIES AND THAT IS THAT – GLOOM AND DOOM SHALL REIGN FOREVER ALL SHALL WORSHIP RYO-CHAN AND DESPAIR.

Woes. I will probably watch it and have to hide in my room depressed for a month as a result, oh plus ca change… (Although this has reminded me that Ryo is in another drama, is he not, ORTHRUS, with Tackey?! I know even less about this but perhaps each one is playing one of the dog heads? Orthrus being a two-headed dog, although I don’t know how he is different from Cerberus, and in fact thought they might have been the same – hi, I don’t know my classics, what are you going to do – sue me).

NONE MORE “THIS IS SO CODED” WATCH:

Let’s just throw this out there and say “johnnys entertainment does not code entirely straight”. Don’t need to go into this too much right now? But this is getting ridiculous. Two (2) ‘new’ units have debuted this week, both featuring Nakayama Yuma (yuck-a more like). And their names!

Unit 1: Yuma ft. B.I Shadow

Unit 2: “NYC Boys” (Nakayama – Yamada [ryosuke! delm!!] and Chinen [lilly]) – ugh.

*gestures wildly* “BI Shadow” is one thing, but NYC Boys, if anything, is even worse!! Tiny spangly boys in disco-geddon shocker? Chinen Yuri as a baby Village Person?? The first hit on Google for “NYC Boys”, with SafeSearch ON, is – really a) not Safe and b) ENTIRELY DEMONSTRATIVE – this whacks so many queer subcultcha (although hardly very ’sub’ I guess!!) buttons and it’s kinda… wrong! Actually, it has occured to me it could be worse if it were “CYN Boys”. Oh god!! Is there NO WAY to give underage boys in tight sequinned trousers a band name which is NOT entirely coded to death!? Oh, um…. ah.

NB I have actually not heard a song by NYC Boys – or even a performance – but you can take a wild guess about what it might be like can’t you. I *have* heard the Yuma ft BI Shadow song, for what it’s worth. It is notwhere near as good as NEWS Nippon – but then again what could ever be? The song was fairly non-intrusive, more noticeable was the Music Station studio sardine-packed with Johnnys in a way I haven’t actually seen for a while. I kinda missed it, I guess!

So, given two units debuting in two weeks, I wonder who will complete the rule of 3? At this rate, I expect my boss will probably debut with Nakayama Yuma… (crikey, she IS going on holiday next week… OMG)!

I don’t know if when Mr. Johnny starts rumbling in Johnny Towers, that it is ACTUALLY possible to hear it from my dingy London bedsitter* – but don’t you think those Johnnys Juniors have actually been doing *stuff* lately? Well, what I mean is, I guess I paid a little more attention because work has been dull lately, or perhaps they’re just being louder? Or perhaps FAVOURITISM, and it’s ugly mirrorface, HATERADE is rearing it’s ugly head.

FAVOUR!!
Have I mentioned that one of my favourite Juniors is random Kansai Jr Bunichi Hamanaka? He is my favourite for the following reasons. 1. Phil Oakey hair. 2. His name has “bun” in it. 3. Hamanaka is a super craft brand in the J-pan who make brilliant crochet hooks which I am a big fan of. If I weren’t already going to get RSI from searching Japanese google for pictures of Jin Akanishi’s pants then these crochet hooks would help. So I think of Phil, I mean, Bunichi, and my hands and heart feel soothed. Isn’t that nice.

ANYWAY – so I like I say, I wasn’t paying much attention, and then I caught an episode of the Shonen Club. Bunichi has now been yanked from the back pages of the idol mags by Mr. Hideaki Takizawa (I am sorry I forgot your first name on the radio, Tackey…) to form a new Jr group under Tackey’s direction called Butoukan (gawd ppl on LJ are quick and googleable, yes?) which means: Dance! Fight! Take the crow(n)! How excitable! I hear they are a “dance unit”, but what does this mean?! All Johnnys dance – from the “Now and Forever” PV I’m not seeing anything special. No “the worm”, nary even a caterpillar… yet! I think this is good news, and the first time I have ever ’supported’ a Junior who hasn’t been dashed on the rocks of fate. Oh Yamashita Shoon, wind waker. I still love you you know, you deserve better than the back pages of idol mags. Are you REALLY a law student?! If any readers know whether Shoon Yamashita is now a law student could you please tell me? IT IS RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS.

TIME FOR THE HATERADE
This can’t really count as haterade – you will see why – whilst Phil, I mean, Bunichi, is my favourite Kansai Jr, my least favourite is Yuma Nakayama. UGHHHHH from his awful gurning face which haunts my nightmares, to his stupid last name which tries to make out he could have the strange unnatural beauty of NAKAmaru Yuichi and the ROOLZ!POWER of YAMAshita Tomohisa (some may say he cannot help his last name, and that it is hardly an uncommon name on any of their parts, and to those points I say PAFFF), his terrible teeth (Johnnys frequently have terrible teeth I know! It pulls at my heartstrings but Nakayama gets bad teeth WRONG, I mean how is that even POSSIBLE) – ahkfgasfgskfga. Something about him makes me get a headache. And then I worry that – perhaps the problem is me?! I am reacting against him because he is not the Perfect Johnny? And Johnnys has scuppered my ability to acknowledge people outside of the ridiculous photoshopped appeal of the hordes of pretty?? And then I think – GAHHHH and I dislike Nakayama even MORE.

But now I think I might have to like him! And the reason is thus: today I hear Nakayama (and Shintaro Morimoto who is actually a foetus) is appearing in a new Fuji tv drama called “Koishite Akuma ~ Vampire Boy.” <– dude. Vampires AND a tilde?! I am so there! Matchy is going to be in it too! Whether he is going to be Daddy Cullen I know not. But, srsly – I think Mr Johnny has been catching up with Twilight – AND I THINK I LIKE IT.

I shall stop now, save to ponder that if Matchy is going to appear with some Jrs in a drama, what of his old unit pals – Question Question Mark? (I used to hate them as well, for playing their own instruments and being all “ooh i’m very good, look at me, look at the weasel in my guitar, ooh yes double arpeggio THAT, Daisuke, ooh very gooood”, but then I came round to them and their silly little faces. Now I like them almost as much as chocolate “pudding”! They are sort of the Pans People of Johnnys I suppose – the distracting “actual music” element rather than the interpretative dance which constitutes so much of the rest of the wonderful televisual experience that is the rest of idolworld…).

NEXT: will someone remind me to post what I’ve been meaning to post about for a couple of weeks – The Quiz Show starring Arashi’s Sho Sakurai (THIS TIME HE’S A MENTAL!) and Kanjani8’s Yoooou Yokoyama (this time he’s EVIL, OH HE IS)? I mainlined four episodes in a row before my last exam and if I fail I am going to blame it on the effort I had in suspending my disbelief that I was supposed to be able to hold ANY sort of belief that anything in the show could srsly happen for more than ONE SECOND. Does anyone else have the problem that whenever they think of YOOOOU from Kanjani8, that they have to say it in a Soulja Boy Tellem voice? YOOOUUUU!!! Just me then? OK. (it’s not my fault – i was fine when everyone romanised it as ‘yuu’, but when it’s ‘you’? I can’t help it!!)

*nb I do not actually live in a bedsitter, but I do love the word. Does anyone use it these days apart from Marc Almond obsessives and poor unfortunates who read too many terrible “crime club” novels? But THAT is a post for Freaky Trigger when I get round to it… needless to say if you find anything by “Simon Brett”, NEVER READ IT. SO BAD. UGHHHHH.

Both of us are busy with exams, or jaunts abroad, however you’d like to call it and that’s my excuse for the lack of posts lately. I don’t want to neglect the world of Jyani though so let’s have a quick roundup of the latest ‘things’ in JE:

- Tsuyoshi Kusanagi was found drunk, howling and naked in a park, neojaponisme later found drunk, howling and with it’s knickers in a twist over Shingo Katori’s weepy apology. Your writer, who should be studying for her own law exams, wonders why the Zizek quoting (I’ll just get my coat NOW should I) commentary is tagged under ‘law’ – perhaps there’s been a community service order for Kusanagi to dress up as Pipo-kun for 6 months! As long as he keeps his clothes on. Make the punishment fit the crime – and as an extra bonus you wouldn’t be able to hear him sing under the blue badger suit! Oh – and we can have the argument about Pipo-kun being a badger or a raccoon or a whatever later.

- Yamapi my baby my poor baby WHY HAVE THEY MADE YOU GINGER?? And dare I say it – with some green roots? He is so ginger that the June episode of Wink Up has their NEWS photoshoot in black and white. And the hair is so long that, combined with his increased scrawniness, he reminds me of 2005’s (ridiculous yes, but strangely loved too) drama Dragonzakura. Also, I once mistook him for.. Hiroki Uchi?? PLEASE – how?? Have a pic.

- Rumours that idol mags are £12 now are pish by the way – ~£10 in JC and Mitsukoshi. And no, I ddn’t buy any~ Speaking of Mitsukoshi – I went there for the first time today (what a strange place – upstairs is all GucciOrlaKierlyBerry and downstairs is half expensive British treats and a Japanese mag newsrack and bookshop – there’s another section which is possibly a travel agents but it was full of ladies otsukareing all over the place so I didn’t peek my head round the door). They also stock Hanako but didn’t have the issue with Akanishi that I posted about a while back. That’s probably a good thing else I’d have had to lick the pages until the pigment came off on my tongue. (Also Harumi cooking mag is 4 quid cheaper than the JC but this isn’t neoharumisme is it so I’ll shut up).

- Koi no ABO is the new NEWS single; it is about getting it ON with ladies of different blood types and bizarrely, I’ve needed to medicinally have it on repeat since it came out? Who would have thought I needed so much orchestra hit in my life? OH HOLD ON WAIT. Curly perm watch: all over the shop. WOMEN watch: tonnes!! Loads!! Since I posted (maybe on another blog??) about the shocking WOMEN in KAT-TUN’s RESCUE vid (goth bosh! oh never leave us), NEWS have got women too? I’m concerned this is going to end with them putting Chinen Yuuri in a wig…

- I have the feeling Koi no ABO is more fuel for my NEWS as the band for every occasion – where ‘every’ is an absolute. NEWS have a song about “it being the SUMMER” (guraranteed banker every year!), one entitled “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” (and I believe everyone in continued existence will coincidentally have one of these each year?), emo Ryo-chan has a song called ‘ordinary’ (so emo it’s in lower case romaji! nurse, the salts). The album titles! “touch”! “color”! Pacific is slightly different but no less bland a title (and not my favourite NEWS album either tbh). I was anticipating a song perhaps about funerals or barmitzvahs next, but no – blood type!! Everyone has BLOOD! And a TYPE! However, no mentions of negative or positive. Does that not matter? For what it is worth, like Jin Akanishi, your author is blood type O. So do not worry Jin baby if you get swine flu you can have some of my blood if it becomes necessary.

- Speaking of KAT-TUN, I believe they have another album out (not heard it) and as such they have been promoting it. Whilst, as I sa, I hav not heard the alBUM, I have learnt the following new items ie viz:
– Jin Akanishi has the longest arm (77cm) and longest little fingernail (1.1cm) in KAT-TUN. I knew the big dumb sack was my favourite for a reason. I don’t think he has smiled yet in 2009 which is similarly close to my experience too :( Cheer up, us!
– Koki Tanaka’s solo song is called PIERROT which is worrying and scary. Junno’s is called WIND which I am afraid I am too childish not to snigger at.

Oh yeah and Johnnys talent is at number one in the hit parade (NEWS), album charts (KAT-TUN) AND dvd charts (Hayseed Bump) because someone people are actually buying Hey!Say!JUMP! stuff. Good old (naked) (screaming) JE. *relaxes*

So, SMAP who? Guess how much I can’t even be arsed to tag this post…

oh my god oh my god oh my god

ikuta toma is going to be starring (starring!) in a new drama called ‘majo saiban’ (!!!) which is basically “apollo justice: ace attorney” (or, if you must, 逆転裁判4 – gyakuten saiban 4) crossed with Judge John Deed, now with added Johnnys!*

ikuta toma stars as “a typical part-timer with little interest in social issues” (i hope he has a quiff, a comb sticking out of his back pocket and a delightful sneer) who becomes a lay juror, and we assume, develops… some kind… of interest? in social proceedings?

nice upselling of the revisions to criminal proceedings, coming in in… may, apparently? this is corporatelegal services social responsibility the way i like it. first doctor yamapi sells doctors, then SUPER RANGER nakamaru bigs up firemen, and now ikuta toma as everyday layman… hmm. what’s the japanese equivalent of “joe bloggs”? i hope that given the percieved unpopularity of the system that this won’t nosedive.

airs on april 25. must watch, must watch.

*dudes, would it not be awesome if KIS-MY-FT-2 played “The Gavinners”?! uglyface Kitayama (who isn’t really ugly at all, but the name has stuck) could play Klavier Gavin…

Reasons to watch Satomi Hakkenden (2006):

1. Sometimes you just need the pick-me-up that only wafū wire-fu can provide.
2. Nakama Yukie – ie ‘her out of Gokusen’ – looking saintly in period dress there, marvellous.
3. Our old friend, Terrible Gender Politics– i.e. not to spoiler anything but it appears that to express any bitterness at woman’s lot means you’re on the expressway to evil. oh and the only form of power a good woman has is killing herself.
4. Takizawa Hideaki, chewing scenery like some sort of hair-straightener’d hamster. Oh, Takki, Takki, why are you always in jidaimono, is it because your classical girly features are just too ~*dazzling*~ for modernity? Is it because the Jimusho spent so much money training you up for Yoshitsune and they need a return on their investment? Is it because you’re a master of the ‘flip your hair, look impassive and say something in mock-classical japanese’ school of dramatic arts?
   (not but what I very much enjoyed his look-at-my-range bandit/onnagata revenge tragedy whatnot a year ago, in which Takki had some kind of bromance with… himself? I suspect the ichikawa kon original is probably more fun – apparently it has unnecessary jazz? you can’t go wrong with unnecessary jazz.)
5. Let’s jump out a window so we can fight on the roof! Let’s run away from the road so we can fight in a forest! Super bad special effects! I love you, all attempts to create a Japanese wuxia.
6. Was that… did I hear… a speech about the meaning of nakama? Oh, Takki, you shouldn’t have.
7. YAMASHITA SHOON, WIND WAKER.

Will someone else please take up the issue of new drama “Smile”? With Arashi’s Matsujun playing a half-Filipino “whose father has died and mother has disappeared. Despite his misfortune and the issues he deals with, such as race, he lives his life positively with a constant smile“? I simply don’t have enough grounding to tackle the world of “haafu” kids andwhether Matsujun’s eyebrows are “enough” to passport (ha! pun not intended) him to the haafu-experience (whatever that might be). Because I’m just like “buhh”?

Also featuring much hated by me Aragaki Yui (short version: I used to like her, then Code Blue, then frothing at the mouth red-misted rage at the mere sound of her name), playing “a young woman living cheerfully despite losing her ability to speak due to an accident“. I suppose at least she won’t be talking? I’m sorry, “Gakky”. It’s me. And you. We won’t do.

I hope Jun gets to speak in Tagalog.

Everything else about this = feeeeeeeeeear (google suggests the tagalog nahihintatakutan <– gripped by fear, that’s about right!)

SHOCK AUTHORIAL REVELATION. Shin and Yuko Kibayashi are nothing more but another pen-name. I can now exclusively reveal the true writers of Kami no Shizuku: IE VIZ: Michael Winner and Matthew Fort tanked up on a heady diet of the Twilight series and 20 bottles of vintage chateaux 2 bouteilles pour un fiveur dans le newsagente locale. Seriously, the amount of purple prose has already been run through a translator, but it goes on! And on! Descriptions from the art galleries! Description by the character of the deep soil in the south of France! Analogy to butterflies! “A mist, a bridge across the mist, a flower field, the intoxicating scent of red BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOOOOD”…. all combined with CGI straight out of those “magic 3d pictures” which we all loved in the early 90s…

FURTHERMORE, in addition to the characters ALREADY lecturing your humble viewer on the matter of plonk ((a)Msr Robert, the long haired wine sensei, (b)the mysterious barkeep who seems to think NOTHING about opening prize vintages for sampling purposes, (c)Tomine Issei and his 3D GLASSES OF EVIL, (d) his WIFE in her fur coat of evil AND (e)manic pixie dream wine girl), we have yet ANOTHER fine wine conniseur who ironically enough – is one of those “Japanese Beer Girls” (TM). Can you imagine! She advertises beer but really likes wine ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH GO AWAY.

ITEM! This is possibly a little unfair to Matthew Fort but I can’t think of any other wine critics so whatever.

ITEM! do Bordeaux and Burgundy wines really come in different shaped bottles? I can’t say I’ve ever noticed this down Threshers. I suppose I *have* learnt something… unfortunately the major lesson is STICK TO GIN. Come on, Jin’s Gin y’all. COMMISSION x 12 (c) me).

Now I’d best get back and finish the episode, I had to stop 17 minutes in just to post this…

Yuukan Club, the drama unique for throwing the concept of ANY non-Johnnys Entertainment signed tarento as starring actors out of the window, did quite well last season. Akanishi Jin starred as a lollipop addicted son of a bumbling police chief, fellow band member Taguchi Junnosuke dyed his hair bright blonde because he was HALF SWEDISH do you SEE (son of the Swedish ambassador? Why Johnny, with these Rocher you are really spoiling us), and Kanjani8’s pratfall gutter-humour and boob-fixated Yokoyama Yu got himself a preppy hairdid and played a serious straight acting son of a hospital director. As far as I am aware, no-one played the son of a preacher man. (Their female opposite numbers were respectively daughters of a jewellery empire, a tea-ceremony family* and er… eccentric head of a huuuge corporation).

These characters were RICH. Loaded. Rich characters, attending rich people’s public school. (Scrap Teacher, which I am afraid I couldn’t bear for more than 1.5 eps had rich people crashing a poor foax school – when Dewy Eyed Love Moppet Yamada Ryosuke parachuted out of a helicopter you will understand why I had to stop watching it? I’m sorry Yuto Nakajima I do ♥ you but I HAVE MY BLOOD PRESSURE TO THINK OF). Yuukan Club on the other hand gets around the tedious wealth gap by eliminating poor people from the school entirely! This leaves the Yuukan Club in the position where the poor people are – literally! – the playthings of the rich, the Yuukan Club sits in the palatial high school at court and involves themselves in the grebt unwashed’s dilemmas “to pass time”.

I said the other day when considering possible reasons behind the bombing of Kami no Shizuku that “a Yuukan Club, say”, would probably do fine now. I put forward that the yuppie-esque world of KnS is alienating in a climate that wants everyday heroism. Would that mean that if a Yuukan Club aired now, it might also tank? (Putting aside the issue that I highly doubt that a drama with three Johnnys boys in the leading roles would be allowed to tank). I didn’t think so and here’s why:

The current Yuukan Club – is this a new rule? there is always a Yuukan club? Anyway, this season’s equivalent to Yuukan Club is this tripe.

Elements of Mei-chan no Shitsuji:
It’s set in a school where people are ridiculously rich! But also really MEAN. (Yuukan Club, Hana Yori Dango, all school bullying drama, all poor-girl-in-celeb-land drama)
There is a HUGE cast of people: all the girls in school, plus their fittt butlers oh god even saying it makes me feel like a moron (for certain definitions of ‘fit’. seriously, the definition of ikemen in these dramas is pret-ty loose. and yes it seems like the majority of the cast are direct from Hana Kimi.) (Hana Kimi, the Gokusens, all vaguely comedic school drama)
Lead character really likes making udon as it reminds her of her family. (all food drama ever. Mind you, this time it’s washoku for once)
Tomboyish girl has to learn to become ladylike for utterly contrived reasons (that Aya Ueto stewardess drama, actually all Aya Ueto dramas ever. i remember when i used to like Aya Ueto. it was before i saw any of her dramas.)
Actually, you know, spending more than a couple of seconds thinking about this drama’s setup makes me feel as if the neurons are steadily falling out of my brain. There is some kind of insaaaaane gender politics to be drawn out of here (so every spoilt rich girl has a male ‘butler’ who exists to serve her, on first glance someone who reflects her emotions/opinions but some of them have – gasp – their own motives for choosing service), but the utterly tired combination of
1) bitchy-rich-girl bullying
2) opaquely-motivated dei ex machinae
3) thinly-veiled allegory for the necessity of becoming more feminine in order to get on in life
4) sheer boringness
has kind of put me off watching any further.

In other drama news, as Sarah says, this season’s theme seems to be “the japanese, they’re pretty noble– in their everyday lives“. Take VOICE, Ikuta Toma’s current (he’s back to playing the unthreatening unexceptional best-friend part, who’s surprised): it’s like a CSI or Silent Witness in which no-one has been murderised. People have died in mysterious circumstances which turn out to have been acts of kindness! Or at least they turn out to be so after Eita has stroked his chin and looked ~pensive~ for five tedious minutes. I know I complained about Innocent Love and its unrelenting emotional sadism but I did not know how good I had it; I’d rather lol catholicism and Horikita Maki as lightning-rod of all the misery than this utterly uneventful pollyanna nonsense.

It’s enough to turn you to drink. Before I could even write up my first thoughts about new season wine-based drama Kami no Shizuku, comes the news that it’s tanking. Going belly up. On the rocks (much like the much hyped Jacobs Creek rosé “over ice” promo much pushed in pubs of London over the summer). From the source:

According to Shukan Josei, a decision has been made to move up the ending of the drama as an excuse to hurry up and finish filming.

I’m kinda baffled – not because I think the drama is so good I have the desire to watch the rest of the episodes, but because the drama is no more or no less bad than anything from the past two seasons! Thematically we have manic pixie dream wine girl played by Naka Riisa as the sommelier-in-training sidekick – we can also think of her as a “supertaster” in training. Her “mentor” is Kanzaki Shizuku, played by Kamenashi Kazuya, who in a “only from manga” plot set-up, enters into a rivalry with wine ctitic Tomme Issei over his late wine-critic father’s 2.5mil wine collection.