Yours truly is quite a big fan of (in theory, admittedly, only what she percieves, from a distance, as), the J-habit of taking an American movie and turning it into a Johnny-featuring stage play (High School Musical with Koyama Keiichiro, and now um “CALL”, based on absolute rub-fest ‘Phone-booth‘, with um… Koyama Keiichiro), so I wasn’t surprised to see super-idol Aiba Masaki appear in a similar Western movie-cum-theYAYtar production… and the film in question?

GREENFINGERS! …? …!

YOU, dear reader may not remember this, but I DO! Greenfingers, (currently £3.98 on Amazon and if I believe wiki, a “Film Four co-production”) is an auld rub-fest about a prisoner serving out the end of his sentence in a ditzy little open prison in the Cotswolds (!) who recieves a packet of seeds – and from little seeds do mighty oaks grow!! Except in this case, all that grows are a few tulips and the prison garden flourishes and Dame Helen Mirren appears at some point wondering how she managed wander onto the wrong path from ‘Calendar Girls’. I guess Aiba is playing the Clive Owen role, as a prisoner, who through flower-based redemption, realises that there is really a reason… to believe in his future! I for one look forward to Aiba-chan Super Idol winning through the odds and taking “Best ‘Chic’ Garden” at Chelsea. Well my dears I arsk you, what next. How does one get to be on the selection panel for these? I’M AVAILABLE. Oh Aiba, once you got to feed tigers in Africa, and now you’re pretending you’re in the Cotswolds? Chaaaa~~!

IN OTHER NEWS! Tegoshi out of NEWS to star in new movie with Horikita “none more wet” Maki who is playing a high schooler! You don’t say! HEY!SAY!JUMP! to have a new manga serial (and if it makes as much sense as the Kanjani8 one then I’ll need my brain scrubbed with Cillit Bang)! KAT-TUN to release drippy ‘White Xmas’ ballad in Korea! What IS it with the prevailing WETNESS this season? No wonder Akanishi has sulked through every single promo appearance, I would too – it’s no “Stay”. (I learnt the other day, well, I say “learnt” but really – found out is a better term – anyway, that Jin Akanishi’s favourite xmas song is “Last Christmas” by Wham. You can almost SEE him at the Jimusho Christmas Party with tinsel on his head, can’t you)!

Previously on One Pound Gospel: see recaps of episodes one and two, now featuring screencap addenda.

Episode Three. We begin with a money shot that generally encompasses everything we’ve gathered from the first two episodes. Idol in his underpants? Weighing scale? Check! Kame is wearing the same pair of underpants that he always gets weighed in – I guess they spent the rest of the clothing budget on those awesome fetching tracksuits. Kousaku is pretty much on the cusp of his peak weight. Puffa and Mitaka make “watch it” noises, and swat Kousaku out of the gym to go on yet another jog.

Kousaku quickly changes into a lovely red (HURRAH!) two piece Puma ensemble for him and hits the street, along with some other boxers, all in boring black and grey trackies. Godddd he looks so cute, Kamenashi, how do you do this to me?! Did all you need to do was to dye your hair black?? Am I still THAT MUCH of a goth at heart so that I find your darkened tresses irresistible?? Whilst the boxers run, they gossip about their weight. What GURLS!

Mid-run, Kousaku gets handed a leaflet for a charity bazaar… oh and what a surprise it’s at St Eloise’s! Perhaps they are selling off some of some of the Mary Idols in order to buy some more lilac lillies of temptation? The boxers think this is a good excuse as any to slack off their training, and head to the convent. Kousaku does a bizarre wobbly arse-sticky out walk through the gates for no reason whatsoever – perhaps meant to signify ‘happiness’? Signifies constipation to me. Ssay it with me, Sisters – RESTRAINING ORDER. All the other boxers follow him like sheep. Baaaa.

Kousaku looks around, sniffing like a dog and wearing one of those nasal strips that expand yr passages. Apparently these strips also stop you snoring – I fear NOTHING SHALL STOP MY SNORING IF THIS DRAMA DOES NOT GET ONE PLOT – and beepbeepbeep! TARGET IDENTIFIED. Kousaku sniffs around, spots Sheeshter playing with some particularly dull looking children and frantically offers his help. Help with what? Sitting in peace? With dull children who aren’t doing anything more strenuous than sitting down and listening to a parable or so? Sheeshter tells Kousaku in so many words to “naff off”.

Oh oh oh!! Excuse me whilst I get excited! Look, a KNITTING STALL! The sisters have been knitting scarves! Kousaku’s eyes light up, and he Kousaku paws through all the scarves to try and find the one hand-knitted by Sheeshter. “I did my bessst”, simpers Sheester. I roll my eyes. Come back to me when you’ve knitted some socks or a fair isle sweater and THEN I’ll listen to you getting all spirit-of-domestic-goddess-ganbaru. Ooh, aren’t I the knitting snob?

Kousaku’s object of scarf lust has been purchased by another boxer. The scarf is quite good rly. It looks like a 2×2 rib or maybe 1×1 in chunky red yarn with a fringe. I actually do quite like it, even though I am generally a bit meh about fringes. Fringes belong on awful cowboy jackets, and glittery neon Johnnys concert outfits.

But yeah, the boxer. Let us call him “I don’t care what your name is”-san. IDCWYNI-san doesn’t want to part with the scarf. Quite right! Kousaku flips out, and the boxers regress in a very real sense to four years old and chase each other round the courtyard like they’re on a post Raspberry-Ripple and Kraft Cheese Slices high. Unfortunately, the regression only applies to their mental state. They retain the quite physical bodies of boxers and – yep, shit gets smashed up. Sheeshter isn’t impressed, the boxers get barred from the convent (arf) and Kousaku screeches manically. Does he have banshee heritage?

Back at the MerzBox. Is this what I’m going to call the boxing gym from now on? I guess it is! I’m an idiot. Dewy Eyed Love Moppet Yamada Ryosuke is watching the boxers. Again. He’s always watching. Always… waiting. Eek! Getting a little creepy. What’s behind the watching? Will he turn out to be in love with Kousaku, or are his dewy eyes just making it seem this way? Perhaps they don’t have cable for him to watch “Gossip Girl” in the Merzbox. DELM is approached by someone… suspiciously short… hang on… is it… is it…????

YES!!! Fireworks erupt, let’s all carnivaaaal! Here comes this episode’s featured cameo, DELM’s fellow Hey!Say!JUMP menber, Chinen “don’t call me Lilly” Yuuri! *stands* *applauds*. Recapping might get a little hard from now on because Lilly is actually SO SMALL that he sometimes has difficulty actually registering on camera. Seriously, he’s shorter than Ryo Nishikido, Yuya Tegoshi and Nino from Arashi, whose combined shortness actually registers in negative figures. A black hole where height is somehow lacking. Dimensional science, Johnnys style!

Hilariously, Lilly is playing some sort of rebel. You can tell this because his hair is slicked back! Oh my god. This is adorable. He’s wearing a miniature MAFIA SUIT!!! it’s like Bugsy Malone!! Or that sketch in the Ya-ya-yah show where those kids do a delinquent comedy sketch? (“I’m the Osaka jack knife! I’m the Roppongi Tiger! … I’m the… Kobe Hamburger!”). Lilly wants to join the boxing gym to “get good at fights”. “I’ve never lost in a brawl before” (Vocabulary lesson = a brawl is けんか, and jisho says you write it like this: 諠譁! So, if you ever head to Japan for a brawl you should now be adequately equipped. End of vocab lesson). Lilly continues. “Hit, get money, and be fawned over, that’s what boxing is all about”. Well, no-one’s going to fawn over you in Hey!Say!JUMP unless you are Yuya Takaki with his amazingly flippy hair. He smokes menthols, that makes him cool, like JAMES DEAN.

Puffa frowns at Lilly, she doesn’t like his motivation for boxing. They escort Lily down the stairs and out of the gym. Downstairs is full of new boxing equipment! Hurrah and glee! It’s only turned out that Lilly’s dad has bought the Box a lot of equipment. Puffa begins to come round to the idea of giving Lilly a chance. Lilly stands behind Kousaku, and does an EVIL SMIRK, which consists of puffing his cheeks out like a hampster. Kousaku is still miserable and binge-eating again. This time he appears to be eating a poloney/baloney (are these things the same thing??) sausage!! Hurrah! Other binge foods look like, an apple and – NOOO! DON’T DO IT!! the most fattening thing of all. WATER!! Kousaku!!

Lilly begins his first training session and slumps against the ring halfway through. Oh Lilly, you’re sulking sooo convincingly. Don’t stop now! DELM pauses halfway down the stairs so we all get a chance to admire his plaid shirt. And… watches. Silently. And disappears. TO GO BACK TO HIS KOUSAKU SHRINE, AMIRITE? Kousaku overhears the boxers gossiping about Lilly being a rich kid, and decides to suck up to him. I don’t know why but it probably involves Sheeshter so who cares?

Off they go to lunch. Tea. “Dinner”, if you’re from the South. “Supper”, if you’re posh. Beef and pork cutlet bowl it is. Lilly’s hair is still full of gunk! There’ll be a national shortage if he appears in more than one episode. Kousaku mopes, and wibbles at cuteypie Nori that he “can’t bury this sadness without food”. Let’s leave him to it whilst Lilly flashesback to a conversation with his parents. They’re having their tea. Or “dinner”. Or “supper”, etc. Mother sits savouring her sole ryvita titters annoyingly from behind her hand and dad is strict… and wears a PASHMINA? Is this how you show your wealth in a classier way than a Burberry scarf? Sure. Dad tells Lilly that he can start boxing if he can land a hit on the strongest boxer at the gym. Back to the Three Meals, and Lily aims a hit at Kousaku, who innocently avoids it by learning over to Lilly, and stealing his onion. Lily re-clenches his first and tries again! But Kousaku has ducked to the floor and found a lucky penny. Lucky!!

Next day. Puffa, Lilly and Kousaku are jogging again which is frankly a flimsy excuse for them to (quite literally hem hem) run into Sheeshter. She s out shopping again buying YET MORE LEEKS. Actually they might be baguettes, but how likely is that? LEEKS. Leeks I tell you. Leeky leeky leek leek. LEEEEEEEKS! Blah blah Kousaku remonstrates with Sheeshter about dating again and I am SO GLAD not to listen to it AGAIN that I don’t mind some exposition between Puffa and Lilly. Puffa totally pwns Lilly, who is apparently THIRTEEN (how old IS our Lilly anyway?), but puts her back out picking up her bike. I TOLD YOU BIKES WERE EVIL.

A new location!! We’re at DELM’s school! How exciting!! A new location AND he’s not wearing plaid! I feel like all my summers have some at once, SUGOI NE?? DELM toddles along to his pigeonhole to pick up his outdoor shoes. Do I need to explain that in Japanese schools, the pupils change from outdoor shoes into indoor shoes on arrival and vice versa? As far as I can tell it is a handy plot device. In Proposal Daisakusen it lead to “OMG ADORABLE YAMAPI AND MASAMI NAGASAWA ADORABLENESS” and here it appears to be setting up a bit of DELM-specific plot. (Masami Nagaawa ranks highly on most-disliked lists along with wozzname Erika, Sawjari… something or other but seeing as the criteria for ranking on these things is stuff like “behaved unprofessionally at a launch party”, like WHATEVER. I still like her. She is better than Gakky and Makky anyway). Oh, sorry, got distracted.

Oh, a poignant piano plays. DELM shuffles home in his indoor shoes. “Kattttsumiiii-chaaan~”, mock some BULLIES. I forgot DELM had an actual name! “Wearing your indoor shoes outside??” “AAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHA”. It’s funny because it’s true?

Bullies ruffle DELM’s hair and then run away feeling very, very pleased with themselves. DELM is being picked on – where is the justice in the world? DELM gets bullied and 2ft tall chubby-cheeked Lilly is all hard-bitten and “Imma gonna kick yr asses”? Anyway, the bullies run off, and then random boxer turns up to inform DELM that his mother is in hospital. And it’s all Lilly’s fault! I hope someone’s gunna smack a bitch here.

Blah blah, Other Boxers spew out some stuff here to Lilly about ‘real boxers don’t hit outside the ring’, blah blah there are seven gods in each fist, etc blah. The piano of “I know I shouldn’t see him, BUT!!” plays, as Kousaku, yet agaaaaain, asks Sheeshter out on a date-o. Arghhh! DELM talks to his mum whilst she eats GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT from a tub. Mud, I think. Blimey, DELM’s face is moonish, perhaps the uniform emphasises it. Haha! Lolz, Chinen is supposed to be the one obsessed with Ohno-sempai, you’d think if anyone was going to have a round face it would be Lilly. Puffa notices DELM is still wearing his indoor shoes and asks him where his outdoor shoes are. DELM makes an excuse about rushing over and having no time to change. I don’t think Puffa believes this for a second.

Merzbox. Dark. Lilly. Throws most unconvincing punches ever. DELM approaches Lilly for some sort of heart to heart. The tension MOUNTS as DELM tells Lilly he’ll never be able to hit a pro. Perhaps I’d think he had a point, if he weren’t simply doing what DELM has done in every episode so far, and just tell someone that they won’t achieve [whatever they're trying to do]. DELM finally makes eye contact with Lily, before trudging off. Is this what passes for “fanservice” for Hey!Say!JUMP members? Snooze.

Kousaku. Running. White tracksuit top. Lily tries to tempt him with some takoyaki. Looks good! I’m tempted! I can barely stand to type the next part, but Sheeshter, having obtained permission from mother superior turns up – how did she know where Kousaku was? – to tell Kousaku that she’ll train him whilst Puffa is incapacitated. (Puffa had asked Sheeshter in the last scene). Kousaku is over the moon, whilst Sheeshter sits with her hands folded sappily as Kousaku does a grillion setups. I am SURE this is nothing to Kamenashi Kazuya, but my “abs” are aching in sympathy. I can do about 10 sit-ups. I am pretty sure I *do* have “abs”, they’re just under a big squishy tummy full of beer and Patisserie Valerie hazelnut croissants <3

Hospital. Awwww, Mitaka has cut up apples for Puffa. He’s done them in BUNNY SHAPE! Choooo kawaiiiii! Awww it’ll be OK Mitaka, I’m sure Puffa will realise that you’re the man for her by the end of the series!. Nrrghhh, Merbox. Kousaku is famished from his training, and getting ferocious. Kousaku tilts his head back, extends his neck, and growls. I growl a little too. Ahem, I er, well, yes. Er. *wibbles* Er, just give me a moment. *gulps*. Even LILLY falls over backwards. *ulp*

Hahahaha. A starved Kousaku sits with his head lying on the table, flobbing his mouth open and shut like a fish. It is sort of the dumbest thing ever yet kind of adorable and how am I even typing his gahhhhh stoppit Kame stop ambushing me with your crap drama by being hot! You’re too ~~Kame~~~ to be HOTT. Sheeshter worries for a while, then goes home, but not before giving Kousaku a, erm, St Christopher pendant?? “for strength”. I hope it’s not a bloody St Christopher then. Unless you’re implying Kamenashi is a car in which one may “take a ride”? I would. Or is it a scapula? Can’t tell.

HA HA HA. Lilly gabs on the phone to his parents. By gum he is ANGRY now and slams his arm against a window. Graagh! He’ll show his parents that he CAN land a punch! He’ll show us allllllll!

Kousaku lies in bed, sleepless and suffering. Dehydration and starvation related hallucinations again. All par for the course. He looks up, from the middle of a cold sweat. And somehow his room is full of food! Hot bowls of noodles, steamed buns, sweeties (shweeeets!) and outside, Lilly has blocked the door with a MOP! He’s evil!! Kousaku’s room-mate comes along and catches Lilly in the act. He clips Lilly round the ear and opens the door, to find Kousaku alternately moaning, crying, and eating a pork bun.. Chrissst. Totally expected emotional resonance!

They call a conference in the Merzbox. The boxers chew Lilly out. I’d cap if I could bear it. Is it possible someone learnt a lesson here? If so, it went straight past me. They weight Kousaku, who has put on 1kg from his binge. Sheeshter is UPSET and BETRAYED and flounces straight out. So, they summoned her in the middle of the night from the convent? Gods work encompasses being on call at all times for boxers, Matthew chapter 12 verses 1-8.

Kousaku runs by the river with Mitaka. Is running really the best exercises for boxers? I would have thought they would be focusing more on weights and explosive power? Then again I also think that they wouldn’t starve themselves for days as part of their training routine. Huuuge bags under Kousaku’s eyes. I guess this is what Kame looks like underneath all that foundation. Oh, hold me close baby, let me apply some Boots No7 “Protect and Perfect” to your eyebags. Oh yes, that’s better baby girl, now you’re all pretty again. ~~chuuu~~.

Poignant organ music plays in the background as a flashback plays. OH! The thing Sheeshter gave Kousaku wasn’t a scapula, it was just a LOCKET THING which for some reason has a picture of Puffa in it. OKAY. Why the HOLY TEGOSHI would Sheeshter have this around her neck in the first place?? She did NOT get the locket from Puffa, so where did she find the photo?? I’ll have the pork chow mein with a side order of eye rolls please. Anyway, it somehow inspires Kousaku so lets have another training montage. I really hate this acoustical guitar backing music now btw. Sweaty Kousaku. TOO sweaty. Sigh! It’s a delicate balance.

“Kousaku, do you want to gargle on some water”, offers Mitaka. Er, whatever. Kousaku sits surrounded by patio heaters and boiling kettles, I assume trying to sweat out his remaining weight. I really, seriously, hope that no-one ever tries to lose weight using ANY of these methods, suggestible teens of Japan. Healthy diet and exercise? Too alien a concept in the drama-verse? Kousaku makes the weigh-in, despite being a whiter shade of pale, and collapses off the scales. Kousaku manages to gasp feebly “Will Sheehster come to watch my match” and stumbles. We don’t have to ponder for long, as DELM turns up at the convent with some free tickets for Sheeshter. So I guess that Group Save offer from ep2 isn’t available anymore Sheeshter accepts, and she and DELM sprint off to the arena.

Ah how the course of true rub never runs smooth. Lilly has gotten himself into a kenka outside the arena. What a TOUGH. Sheeshter tries to save him from the older guys, DELM gibbers a bit, then runs to fetch Kousaku. Amusing scene follows, where Kousaku ritalises on to Sheeshter about not living up to her expectations whilst unwittingly avoiding the bad guys attempts at punches. However, a good scene can’t last more than 10 seconds so we move on quickly. Just as Kousaku is about to punch a baddie, Sheeshter yells “DON’T”! Kousaku stops short, fist about one inch from the boxers face.

Okay, right. Kousaku is a pro-boxer. Part of being a pro-boxer is having SOME control over his own power. So instead of Kousaku controlling his power, dispatching the ill-intentioned toughs without causing serious injury – because as I say HE is the one in a position to be able control the situation, avoiding getting injured in brawl, before an important match, he now has to just sit back and take the punches, because Sheeshter – all of a sudden!! – thinks punching is baaaad, mmkay? Nyarrrfggggh, so frustrating!! AND here’s the acoustical guitary singing again, I am going to punch something MYSELF. Arghhh!!

Anyway blah blah, they beat him up. Lilly, Sheeshter and DELM are safely rescued. Kousaku is bruised, but manages to make his way back to the arena for his fight. In the arena, Kousaku steps in some sand, Eh?? “Kakkkkoiii na”, swoon both DELM and Lilly. Pffft. All you need are some green satin underpants and clearly Hey! Say! JUMP members will do ANYONE.

Thank fuck!! We’re spared having to sit through the match for the third episode. Back at the Merzbox, Lilly is back on more traditional ground and sparkles away cutely at the boxers that he’s learned to behave properly. How nice. Lilly beams that he’ll come back to the Merzbox once he graduates. Now, bear in mind this is Japanese school graduation which could mean almost anything as far as I gather from Skool Dramas Wot I have Watched, put it one way it won’t mean after he graduates from University. So we may not see him in any further episodes. (No University would ever let him in, HE IS TOO SMALL). The boxers smile, clearly thinking “yeah AS IF”. Lilly strolls off, and then turns back at the door with an afterthought. Please send all the boxing equipment back, will you? The boxers all groan in unison. Doiii!

Just as we think it’s over… back to the school of emo. The bullies are at DELM’s pigeonhole and are putting glue inside DELM’s outdoor shoes. DELM meets the eyes of the bullies, with eyes so moist they could hydrate whole deserts, walks past them, silently picks up his shoes and walks off. “What’s WITH him?”, frown the bullies. Good question. The son of a boxer doesn’t want to live up to boxing expectations and avoids confrontations? He’s powerful and scared of his own power? He’s just TOTALLY EMO?? Will this explain his scary watching and waiting? Telll meeeee!

Next week! An omiai?! MY EYES! A love rival for Sheeshter! GARSP! Kousaku takes cooking lessons! NEVER! And wears that cute orange puffa jacket with lime zips again! A tense shot of DELM throwing a mop to the floor. MOP! I hope we get some exposition on DELM’s plotline, but I wouldn’t count on it. Will there be any more H!S!J! members?! There aren’t enough episodes. Why can’t Hikaru ever be in a drama? I LOVE HIM. Or Yamashita Shoon, COME ON JOHNNY. DO IT.

Hey Say JUMP! straddle an odd divide for me, in that they’re a debuted band, yet they are all about TEN YEARS OLD (save for Hikaru and Yabu and perhaps Takaki?) – so I shouldn’t really still be bracketing them in the “Juniors” label in my head. But… sheesh, they’ve now been about for a year and their fourth single is coming out next week. It is called Mayonaka no Shadow Boy, which I would assume means “Shadow Boy’s Mayonnaise Middle”. But then I look it up, and it means MIDNIGHT SHADOW BOY! Awesome!! I await the Shakespear’s Sister style PV with baited breath! Still. Fourth single??? They had a third?! Dudes, this is lame, I pay more attention to Yamashita Shoon (check him out with ABC performing “Higher Fly”! It’s GREAT) and AWFUL-YET-NOW-MAYBE-I-LOVE-THEM KIS-MY-FT-2. At least they’re still doing Shonen Club skits, I am still yet to see HSJ be interesting EVARRRR.

Anyway, it appears their third second! single was Dreams Come True (after Ultra Music Power, BEFORE Your Seed, okay gotcha) which I am watching for the first time RIGHT NOW on youtube (well it’s a Friday – work?? Work shmerk). My jaw is agape, “no-budget” has been redefined. They’ve put Chinen in a cricket jumper. I LOVE cricket jumpers but CHINEN IS SHORTER THAN A CRICKET BAT!! Keep the cricket jumpers for Akanishi and Nakamaru please. Please, I mean, seriously, it’s enough to reduce me to a heaving mess. Anyway – oh dear, 49 seconds in and Takaki Yuya spins across the screen with that flicky hair and smirk. Hilariously, he is wearing a leather jacket and leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets trying to be NONCHALANT. I love it!!

But just wait until 2 minutes in and Hikaru gets a Flying V guitar! OK, I’ve been a sucker for the Flying V ever since Tim Wheeler first wheeler-ed (wielded? did that work?) one in the early days of Ash. Importantly, the flying V appears during a SQUIDGY SYNTH BREAK where NO GUITARS ARE PLAYED AT ALL. Hurrah!!

Speaking of Takaki, (as I sort of was), apparently back in February he was the hottest er… er… young person? This according to February 2008’s Anan magazine, which some of you may know as “that” naked Yamashita Tomohisa photoshoot with the Russian lady straight outta Torchwood.  Turns out that someone got me a copy, and it was handed to me over some delicious ginger cake and orange juice last night. Trying to hide your pornography from the other fifteen people gathered round the table was a little awkward, but I think I got away with it. Until now of course, when I’m talking about it on the internet. Hi everybody!

Synopsis. Oh boy, okay. Briefly: Kamenashi Kazuya, the notorious painfully skinny, formerly bog-brush haired singer in KAT-TUN, obsession developed with through Nobuta wo Produce, (before shamefully abandoning him for the well-developed and well-fed love between fellow drama star and golden boy Yamashita Tomohisa and bandmate Akanishi Jin) – plays pro-boxer in training Kousaku Hatanaka. That’s fine – you can have skinny, perfectionist boxers. Of course you can. Anything else? Yep. The boxer is also a compulsive binge eater. Alert! Alert! Who appears to be supervised… by a nun?? I should point out at this point that your author is a Good Ex-Catholic Girl, with all the requisite guilt and argh!nun! reflexes that that entails so if at any point this turns into free post-catholic-trauma and eating-disorder therapy then it’s NOT MY FAULT.

LET US BEGIN. What better way to start a drama than with a shirtless sweaty idol? Next season’s drama, Code Blue also opened with a shirtless idol – also named… Kousaku (Akira)? Coincidence? Kamenashi from KAT-TUN is about to punch a thug in a club in the ring, but nooooo some idiotic spectator nearby is eating some delicious looking takoyaki and Kousaku gets distracted and K-O-ed. Dingdingding! He collapses, complaining about his stomach. “So… hungry”! A rumble reverberates around the arena. What happens next? More, much more, after the cut.

Cut to Kousaku’s boxing gym – where Kousaku is beaming around a giant steamed bun as if nothing had happened.. Another boxer called Ueda growls angrily. Ueda is also the name of another KAT-TUN member – COINCIDENCE? Oh, probably. Kame is wearing super cute red Onitsuka Tiger boxing boots. You know, the ones that were trendy in Shoreditch last year? I want some! Kousaku is informed by a Puffa-jacket Wearing Boxing Matriarch that she’s setting Kousaku up with another fight – this time with someone calling himself THE DRAGON. NB, not actually a dragon. This is all very nice but LOOK WHO’S ARRIVED STAGE LEFT! It’s only Dewy Eyed Love Moppet Yamada Ryosuke, all dressed up in plaid! I’ll be calling him DELM from now on, you’ll have to get used to it. He looks really quite incredulous at the idea of Kame being a successful boxer — that’s you and I both, dearest.

Kousaku steps onto the scales, which immediately split in two and a disembodied voice from deep inside the mechanisms screams “DEAR GOD HAVE MERCY!”. Oh, hold on. Puffa’s Accomplice slides things along the scale and looks disapproving. Kousaku is too fat, and thus gets issued with his FIRST WEIGHT LOSS TARGET. 9.2kg loss in 7 days. 9.2 kilograms = 1.44875201 stones. Kousaku is currently a massive 60kg (9.44838267 stones in in fact that is about 2lbs less than ME!! 5ft2 girl on a good day).

Now time for one of my favourite things ever. Perhaps by the end of the episode, it will be my least favourite thing ever? Take a wild guess. Training montage,. Kousaku runs up some steps and is presented with ten grains of rice for his dinner. Mid-montage, Kousaku is weighed again. IDOL IN HIS UNDERPANTS WATCH! Christ you’d think they could issue him with some Calvins. Although, why on earth Calvins are meant to signify anything I don’t even know. They’re the Louis Vitton of the underpant world! And we’re only 6 minutes in. This is value for naked-idol-money. OH NOES! He’s only lost 2.2kg. Now, here we start something strange. After a bout of exercise, a fellow boxer gulps down some water. Kousaku eyes the water but it’s SNATCHED from his huge FAT HANDS.

What, because the WATER is the thing that’s causing his weight problem??? Sure if he hydrates himself adequately there might be a little water weight, but not drinking any water for seven days (that’s his target btw) is just darned dangerous! I dunno, is this a strange Japanese idea that going without water is some elevated endurance deal? I’ve seen this in the Tokyo v Kansai Jr battle – where Jrs had to dance for two hours, run 5k, and then sit through a sauna, and all without water! Call me a fussy old minny if you will but that is not just unhealthy but… actively dangerous! Hydration is important!! What next? TOKYO VS KANSAI MEGA BATTLE YOSH!! We expose members of Hey Say West and KIS-MY-FT-2 to staphylococcus aureus, the first to collapse has to pay a penalty of listening to HeySayJUMP on repeat for two hours!! Etc etc.

Back to Kousaku. He has a part-time job in a restaurant so he can lovingly eye up the beef and pork cutlet bowl. Never mind the fact that Kame-chan himself clearly eats about one a week – he’s being very convincing in his food desire. Ha! He can barely bear to part with the bowl in passing it over to the customer; we’re going slapstick here. He twists and flicks his head in barely controlled resistance. Oh god. Eating disorder parallel here with the anorexic who gets a job in a bakery so they can stare at food all day but not eat it?

Kousaku goes on another run. AND PASSES OUT FLAT. Well clearly! He’s dehydrated as all fuck. A FEMALE APPARITION APPEARS. Is it? Can it be?? Gasp! It is Maria-sama, in a halo of glowing light! Holy Tegoshi, batman! Because you’re dehydrated and hallucinating and an automaton?? In the old days you could be sainted for such hallucinations. This feeds Kousaku some hot sweet tea (yuck!! sweet tea is the worst!!) and… ta da!! He’s recharged! The hallucinations eyes widen. “Gambatte kudasai”, simpers the nun, and it’s like a switch is flipped in Kousaku’s ADDLED MIND. The nun reveals herself –  ( I MEAN HER NAME YOU PERVERTS), her name is Sheeeshter Angela.

For a nun she has very well groomed eyebrows. Can anyone tell me anything about Saint Angela, by the way? As I’m prettttty sure that Angela is not really a Japanese name (if it is, I want the kanji and I want it now) and that she’s taken that name in the convent when she took her final vows. But… Saint. Angela? I’m drawing a blank. Sheeestah disappears off, Kousaku RUNS SCREAMING THROUGH THE STREETS screaming that he’ll definitely win and… it’s time for the credits!

koko made wa kono sponsaa no teikyo de okurishimashita etc etc etc.

Shirtless Kame appears again. He’s 5kg over his target weight (the problem is diet’s not a big enough word). Oh, wouldja look at that fat wobble. Oh, never mind that his training would build MUSCLE and MUSCLE weighs more than fat – a mere bagatelle to the ongoing plot. Hold on. PLOT? What plot!

THE ARENA. Ueda has just had a fight, and lost.. Am I supposed to care?. Oh dear, the rival boxing gym owner wanders into the dressing room. You can tell they’re up to no good as one is a black suited TOUGH with dyed blonde hair and a wee moustache. I have learnt that these people are no good after watching all the flavours of Gokusen. Christ, the Japanese police must have it simple as every bad guy looks exactly the same. CONVICT ALL BLONDS!

Kame in his pants #3. He is crouching down like a frog. I feel suddenly quite fond of him. YAAAAY he’s lost weight! Kame now jumps about in his undercrackers and everyone yells banzaaaai baaanzaaaaaai, hugs each other, yells some more, etc.

Um okay, another training montage. A group of middle ages ladies in leisurewear somehow contrive to send about 50 baseballs, netballs, bouncy balls, space hoppers, gumballs, footballs, balls balls [etc] down the ubiquitous park steps. Let’s let Kousaku show off his gallantry and flexibility by twisting about to avoid the balls and “save” the child… oh hold on, save the child from WHAT? What harm could a BALL bouncing down a step even do?! Anyway blah blah the small child appears to be in the ward of… Sheeeshter Angela! How long will I feel like typing that out in full without coming up with a handy nickname? Not long I reckon. Sheester is reassuring the child, whereas Kousaku is busy clinging onto thin air with a goofy grin on his face. Goofy grins!! Sometimes I worry that debuted Johnnys lose all the goofiness developed in extensive years of Junior humiliation but either they don’t, or they just Act Through The Angst. I suspect Kame is doing the latter. Oh Kame-chan, hold meee~~~

Scene: long table full of food. Made by the children! Cute child #1 to a drooling Kousaku. “Please have my side dish” – mmmm korokke! Boy child won’t let Cute Child #1 have her own way, and shoves a plate of homemade meatballs under Kousaku’s nose. Kousaku knows he shouldn’t, but Sheeshter now lays on the guilt that the kids made it themselves… there are now so many children that we’re over-run. Argh, the gappy grins!! Cannot… resist!! Obviously, Kousaku goes insane on the meatballs and starts squealing like one of those faux-orgasmic experiences you’re supposed to have with Herbal Essences shampoo. I know how he feels! I always go for the meatballs and jam when I’m in IKEA. Swedish meatballs are the best, I guess meatballs made by small children can be just as good though!

BUT WITH GREAT MEATBALLS COMES GREAT WEIGHT GAIN. It’s the weigh-in in the arena, and as a result of the pig out, Kousaku is over 4kg. Kame here uses all his acting skills, by err, arching his back and sticking his belly out, like when little kids try and copy their pregnant mothers. I am finding myself becoming… strangely fond?? of this kind of, playdoh, play-acting that is rapidly showing itself to be 1PG’s stock in trade – Kousaku’s weight gain here is meant to represent the childishness, the simple greediness of his character. There’s still some time left, so Kame goes to the sauna to try and sweat out 4kg. He fails by 453g (slide scales are accurate down to a level of grams?? OKAY). Naughty Kousaku. He’s let his gym down, he’s let the other boxer down, but most of all… he’s let himself down. The other gym owner storms out, vowing never to fight – what the hell are they called? – gym ever again. Oh, like, we’re, dead, scared.

“Just one pound”, Puffa Matriarch flatly states. “Why do you box? Why don’t you just quit”? Kousaku’s lower lip wobbles and he goes to emo next to some trees. And now – gosh, as if his feet walked without his input – he’s at the convent again and decides to request an audience with Sheeshter. But instead he meets Sister Millie (SAINT MILLIE??? Millicent?? I like to think I know my saints, guys!!) who is strangely reluctant to help out her so-called friend. Not that this isn’t a drama character we haven’t encountered in say, every drama we’ve ever watched. “I’m your friend! This is why I hate you and secretly try to ruin your life”! In Nobuta we had evil Aoi, in Anego we had [er??], and in Zettai Kareshi we had Mika – although frankly ANYONE called Mika has GOT to be evil, amirite?? Anyway, Sister Millie is rebuked by someone short in glasses who appears to be their Mother Superior, who peers through hug specs at Millie and Kousaku, and twitters faux-innocently (she knows) – “are you abandoning a lost sheep”? Yes yes, because Kousaku has “lost his way” but seeing as he’s only met Sheeshter ONCE and decided once and for all that she’s his shepherd, I don’t know how the other nuns decide he’s an abandoned sheep and not just someone with, say, a nun fetish.

Run run run through the streets of wherever this is supposed to be. Sheeshter is buying LEEKS. Huge LEEKS. 0 comment. Kousaku now has a heart to heart with Sheeshter on a park bench. Sheeshter advises Kousaku that if he’s suffering, and people around him are suffering, then it might be a good idea to “find your new light”. Decent enough advice, from ONE STRANGER TO ANOTHER. Did I mention that Kousaku knows nothing about Sheeshter? Then again – “do what other people say/ as things are going wrong your own way” is a valid lifestyle choice. Kousaku stands up with manic energy, bows low to Sheeshter, and, yep, runs off. AGAIN. Has he got them trainers with springs in ‘em? I don’t care as long as we get rid of the subtle picking of the acoustical guitar threatens to drown out my screams of “BRING ME SOME MORE GIN BEFORE CHINEN YUURI TURNS UP”. Blah blah Sheeeshter looks pensive but who cares.

AWESOME CUT to a restaurant. Kousaku has a napkin tucked into his hoodie and is clutching a fork and spoon. Let’s count what’s on the table so we too can eat – Kousaku style!

1 x glass of iced peach juice

1 x… well frankly it looks like paella?

1 x seaweed salad is it?

1 x chicken Caesar salad…? croutons and radishes do I spy?

1 x OMURICE!

1x huge pile of nachos?

1 x heck I can’t tell at all. Pork?

1 x noodles with prawn and lime

1 x bread basket

3 x ICE CREAMS in adorable little ice cream cone holders which I now covet and MUST HAVE.

(Anyone else uncomfortably reminded of the potential similarity between this and a bulimic binge? No, just me then? Good good, let’s not let twinges of dysfunction impinge, it is important to realise this IS JUST FUNNY OKAY).

SCOFF SCOFF OM NOM NOM NOM NOM ITADAKIMASU. Two more plates arrive but we can’t see what they are. CUT TO scowling Puffa Matriarch who’s hitting the shouchu. Good lady. Now she’s boxing with a road sign but has fallen over. Falling… over… you say? Hasn’t this happened to another character in this drama already? CLAAANG! Puffa Matriarch looks quite happy falling asleep on the pavement but – doh – here’s bloody Maria-sama again, sticking her holy nose in (no rival to Ikuta Toma’s beautiful nose).

BACK TO THE GYM. Do these boxers have no home to go to? Kousaku admits he’s quitting. He has the full support of DELM who seems to think he’s in some way capable of giving Kousaku some advice from the depths of his standard Johnnys-issue plaid. DELM (who I am assuming is Puffa’s son here?) doesn’t seem to really note that his mum is missing, which is fine by me as Sheeshter has picked her up and taken her to – ah – a small family restaurant. YAY! Herein comes the real indication that we’re truly in dramaverse now. All dramas have ONE family restaurant, possibly another STALL, a few KIOSKS and maybe an outside cafe – but the important thing is the spirit of “of all the gin joints in the world, you just had to go and walk into this one”.

Puffa slurs her words as a beef and pork cutlet bowl is set in front of her. Fuck, I wish I had a pork and beef cutlet bowl. My ‘tea’ was crackers and pesto. Mitaka appears to take Puffa home. Ah! Unrequited love! He sits and stares at her as Puffa gently falls asleep without even bothering to touch her beef and pork cutlet. Bitch! I’ll eat it if you won’t. Ah, touching flashback time to tiny Puffa in oh so cute 70s dungarees rescuing chibi (and chubby) Mitaka with her proto boxing skills. Oh, too cute! And here they still are, years onwards, drunk and tired. Sob! That’s my type of couple. (It also appears that they let 7yr olds into pro boxing matches ER IS THAT QUITE CORRECT)? Anyway blah blah Maria-sama is touched and tells Puffa hat she absolutely can’t give up on her champion boxer. With the conviction of a drunk, Puffa agrees with wide-eyes. Mitaka carts her out with a piggyback. I think I love them.

OH DEAR, something that sounds suspiciously like a church of England “choir” sing-along with a trendy vicar playing acoustical guitar plays in the background. Dear Japan, flirt with Catholicism all you want in this drama and I will love it but dear Christ less of this Anglican shit, get the fuck behind a church organ wouldja now? HONTOU NI ARIGATO etc  And speaking of Catholicism, let’s address something whilst we’re here. Sheeshter has just told Kousaku that ’suffering isn’t good’. Ah ah ah, Sheeshter, aren’t you forgetting one of the fundamental tenets of Catholicism here? Christ suffered for our sins, through suffering we can achieve the kingdom of heaven in the next life, the story of my beloved Therese de Lisieux, the suffering on the cross? The crucifix in the church is so small you can barely even see it, the one in the church I grew up in dominated the entire building… Anyway. Sheeshter is now trying to go back on her previous speech and convince Kousaku he should be a champion after all. Women, ha! You can make them take vows, commit them to celibacy and dress them in habits but you can’t stop them from ALWAYS CHANGING THEIR FREAKIN’ MINDS, AM I RIGHT LADS. Kousaku says “but you said suffering was bad” – we’ll have less of this independent thinking here, laddie. Sheeshter just rambles on that he should be a champion, Kousaku flails a bit and looks like a duck. But nicely, here comes a nice looking old geezer, in er, harem pants. He’s the former rookie of the year of east Japan! Turns out he’s going to be Kousaku’s next bout. Kousaku sulks and turns away to the corner and Sheeshter does the whole “you’re a glutton”!! yelling up in Kousaku’s “grill”. Kousaku yells back and gosh you’re not expecting us to actually think there’s any tension between Kousaku and Sheeshter here are you? “Ehhh”, gasps DELM, on another riverside running montage, “why’s he bothering”? GOOD QUESTION.

More montage, Kousaku has a lovely range of Addidas tracksuits. He’d fit in well in Camden in 1996. He’s wearing one of those nose strips that’s supposed to stop people from snoring. It’s actually really cute. Ah now he’s shirtless and sweaty again so time to get the sponsors in to association meiji and canon etc with delicious glistening mmm mm yum… what?? shit!!

Right now here’s a bit of plot about Kousaku fighting the Former Rookie of the year. He’s now getting on, and this is going to be his last fight. But he’s never won, you see, and he has a son who he wants make proud. As he delivers his speech, the child sulks, “You say that, but you’ll lose again, DESHOOUUU”, and runs out, followed by his demoralised somewhat father. Now for some reason, Former Rookie and son are in the bath singing the Anikinda theme song happily together (the cuet!), but er, Kousaku and Sheeshter are still eating in the living room. Er I don’t know what’s happening here. ANYWAY exposition about former rookie, I can’t bring myself to care. Guess whether this touching story has touched Sheeshter’s heart, and whether Sheeshter might ask Kousaku if, perhaps – he could find a way… to let the former rookie… win his final match? So that his child can be proud? OH YES THERE WE GO. zzzzz, let’s instead concentrate how Kame’s hair has suddenly poofed straight back into Farrah Fawcett idol flicks!

Kousaku agrees to throw the match. Manipulative much, Sheeshter? Gah, there will be some justification about her demands from Kousaku soon enough I bet – she’s sheltered from the world, she doesn’t realise her power over men, perhaps. But let’s forget – she barely knows Kousaku and she’s asking her to risk his whole career for all she knows, for the sake of some small child of another boxer who she doesn’t know – and never MIND the whole concept that perhaps a nun might find something a little strange about supporting a violent sport? Mightn’t we?

Kousaku fights, Kousaku holds back. Rookie goes biff bang pow., DELM enters and eyes up the ring. Dewily. Sheeshter comes in, the strings of Serious Thought play in the background as Kousaku falls to the mat with a bruise on his lower lip, in the best Artfully Distressed Jyannisu-style, Kame’s startling eyebrows come together, as looks Sheeshter in the eye and growls…”I just don’t want to lose”!! Kousaku gets up! The strings swell and he comes out fighting as if he hasn’t already gone down in however many rounds. Kame’s back has a very, very nice line down the spine, for what it’s worth. What? He’s SHIRTLESS, am I supposed to not notice it. He has tiny, tiny nipples. Yes okay, this is hardly earth-shattering commentary here but I had to mention it at some point unless he’s going to start fighting in a burkha.

“Both of you do your best”, cries Sheeshter. Oh what a wet blanket!! Support your side or don’t yell at all! You know what you are Sheeshter? You’re the bloody prawn sandwich brigade. Half Man Half Biscuit sing about people like you! ANYWAY fight fight fight, and with a handy mnemonic about ducking and weaving set to names of food, Kousaku WINS! Hurrah hurrah we all cheer. Former Rookie apologises to his son. Son says “you were cool”, even though Former Rookie lost. My heart would be warmed if it weren’t already filled with joy at seeing Kame’s bruised lip..

Outside! Kousaku asks Sheeshter out on a date-o, and yells, “DAI DAI DAISUKI DESU”! Sister runs away to buy hodgepodge. And look, Kame’s baseball jacket has a wee Celtic cross on it. Is that meant to link Kousaku with the cross that the Sheeshter wears or am I pushing it somewhat? For that matter, what IS hodgepodge? In the kombini, Sheeshter is filling up on hodgepodge, and has a flashback whilst ladling away to Kousaku’s final punches. A smirk rises to her face. “Boxing, huh?”, she grins under her breath. SISTER! SAUCE! And now KAT-TUN’s “Lips” starts playing. LET’S DO A SEVEN DEADLY SINS WATCH.. We have… a nun? Smirking? At a shirtless man? Throwing punches? TO ROCK MUSIC? Whilst in the family restaurant Kousaku is scoffing beef and pork cutlet? How many deadly sins is that in 5 seconds? Lust? Anger? Gluttony? ROCK AND ROLL? How many sins can you collect in the next episode? Gotta catch them all!

And now it’s time for Sing Along With KAT-TUN!

♫ ♫ deeeeennnwaaaa naarri tsuzuketaaaaaa#ieee wooo nukedassshiiite taarra

DOOKO DE KIMI NI AERUUUUUUUUU

tsutaei koto bakaerii

NAZE aaeba auhodo ni OOOOOOO

etc etc etc

SONO AKAKU SOMARU KOOOCHIBIRU

chikazukete kowashitai haGEEESHIKU

SONO MAMADE SONO MAMA DE

jibbun dake semenai de

kooono te wo HANAAASANAIIIDE♫ ♫

Like we so have to do this at karaoke dudes like totally yeah like whoa.