Drama Recaps: One Pound Gospel Episode One

Synopsis. Oh boy, okay. Briefly: Kamenashi Kazuya, the notorious painfully skinny, formerly bog-brush haired singer in KAT-TUN, obsession developed with through Nobuta wo Produce, (before shamefully abandoning him for the well-developed and well-fed love between fellow drama star and golden boy Yamashita Tomohisa and bandmate Akanishi Jin) – plays pro-boxer in training Kousaku Hatanaka. That’s fine – you can have skinny, perfectionist boxers. Of course you can. Anything else? Yep. The boxer is also a compulsive binge eater. Alert! Alert! Who appears to be supervised… by a nun?? I should point out at this point that your author is a Good Ex-Catholic Girl, with all the requisite guilt and argh!nun! reflexes that that entails so if at any point this turns into free post-catholic-trauma and eating-disorder therapy then it’s NOT MY FAULT.

 

LET US BEGIN. What better way to start a drama than with a shirtless sweaty idol? Next season’s drama, Code Blue also opened with a shirtless idol – also named… Kousaku (Akira)? Coincidence? Kamenashi from KAT-TUN is about to punch a thug in a club in the ring, but nooooo some idiotic spectator nearby is eating some delicious looking takoyaki and Kousaku gets distracted and K-O-ed. Dingdingding! He collapses, complaining about his stomach. “So… hungry”! A rumble reverberates around the arena. What happens next? More, much more, after the cut.

 

Cut to Kousaku’s boxing gym – where Kousaku is beaming around a giant steamed bun as if nothing had happened.. Another boxer called Ueda growls angrily. Ueda is also the name of another KAT-TUN member – COINCIDENCE? Oh, probably. Kame is wearing super cute red Onitsuka Tiger boxing boots. You know, the ones that were trendy in Shoreditch last year? I want some! Kousaku is informed by a Puffa-jacket Wearing Boxing Matriarch that she’s setting Kousaku up with another fight – this time with someone calling himself THE DRAGON. NB, not actually a dragon. This is all very nice but LOOK WHO’S ARRIVED STAGE LEFT! It’s only Dewy Eyed Love Moppet Yamada Ryosuke, all dressed up in plaid! I’ll be calling him DELM from now on, you’ll have to get used to it. He looks really quite incredulous at the idea of Kame being a successful boxer — that’s you and I both, dearest.

 

Kousaku steps onto the scales, which immediately split in two and a disembodied voice from deep inside the mechanisms screams “DEAR GOD HAVE MERCY!”. Oh, hold on. Puffa’s Accomplice slides things along the scale and looks disapproving. Kousaku is too fat, and thus gets issued with his FIRST WEIGHT LOSS TARGET. 9.2kg loss in 7 days. 9.2 kilograms = 1.44875201 stones. Kousaku is currently a massive 60kg (9.44838267 stones in in fact that is about 2lbs less than ME!! 5ft2 girl on a good day).

Now time for one of my favourite things ever. Perhaps by the end of the episode, it will be my least favourite thing ever? Take a wild guess. Training montage,. Kousaku runs up some steps and is presented with ten grains of rice for his dinner. Mid-montage, Kousaku is weighed again. IDOL IN HIS UNDERPANTS WATCH! Christ you’d think they could issue him with some Calvins. Although, why on earth Calvins are meant to signify anything I don’t even know. They’re the Louis Vitton of the underpant world! And we’re only 6 minutes in. This is value for naked-idol-money. OH NOES! He’s only lost 2.2kg. Now, here we start something strange. After a bout of exercise, a fellow boxer gulps down some water. Kousaku eyes the water but it’s SNATCHED from his huge FAT HANDS.

 

What, because the WATER is the thing that’s causing his weight problem??? Sure if he hydrates himself adequately there might be a little water weight, but not drinking any water for seven days (that’s his target btw) is just darned dangerous! I dunno, is this a strange Japanese idea that going without water is some elevated endurance deal? I’ve seen this in the Tokyo v Kansai Jr battle – where Jrs had to dance for two hours, run 5k, and then sit through a sauna, and all without water! Call me a fussy old minny if you will but that is not just unhealthy but… actively dangerous! Hydration is important!! What next? TOKYO VS KANSAI MEGA BATTLE YOSH!! We expose members of Hey Say West and KIS-MY-FT-2 to staphylococcus aureus, the first to collapse has to pay a penalty of listening to HeySayJUMP on repeat for two hours!! Etc etc.

 

Back to Kousaku. He has a part-time job in a restaurant so he can lovingly eye up the beef and pork cutlet bowl. Never mind the fact that Kame-chan himself clearly eats about one a week – he’s being very convincing in his food desire. Ha! He can barely bear to part with the bowl in passing it over to the customer; we’re going slapstick here. He twists and flicks his head in barely controlled resistance. Oh god. Eating disorder parallel here with the anorexic who gets a job in a bakery so they can stare at food all day but not eat it?

 

Kousaku goes on another run. AND PASSES OUT FLAT. Well clearly! He’s dehydrated as all fuck. A FEMALE APPARITION APPEARS. Is it? Can it be?? Gasp! It is Maria-sama, in a halo of glowing light! Holy Tegoshi, batman! Because you’re dehydrated and hallucinating and an automaton?? In the old days you could be sainted for such hallucinations. This feeds Kousaku some hot sweet tea (yuck!! sweet tea is the worst!!) and… ta da!! He’s recharged! The hallucinations eyes widen. “Gambatte kudasai”, simpers the nun, and it’s like a switch is flipped in Kousaku’s ADDLED MIND. The nun reveals herself –  ( I MEAN HER NAME YOU PERVERTS), her name is Sheeeshter Angela.

 

For a nun she has very well groomed eyebrows. Can anyone tell me anything about Saint Angela, by the way? As I’m prettttty sure that Angela is not really a Japanese name (if it is, I want the kanji and I want it now) and that she’s taken that name in the convent when she took her final vows. But… Saint. Angela? I’m drawing a blank. Sheeestah disappears off, Kousaku RUNS SCREAMING THROUGH THE STREETS screaming that he’ll definitely win and… it’s time for the credits!

 

koko made wa kono sponsaa no teikyo de okurishimashita etc etc etc.

 

Shirtless Kame appears again. He’s 5kg over his target weight (the problem is diet’s not a big enough word). Oh, wouldja look at that fat wobble. Oh, never mind that his training would build MUSCLE and MUSCLE weighs more than fat – a mere bagatelle to the ongoing plot. Hold on. PLOT? What plot!

 

THE ARENA. Ueda has just had a fight, and lost.. Am I supposed to care?. Oh dear, the rival boxing gym owner wanders into the dressing room. You can tell they’re up to no good as one is a black suited TOUGH with dyed blonde hair and a wee moustache. I have learnt that these people are no good after watching all the flavours of Gokusen. Christ, the Japanese police must have it simple as every bad guy looks exactly the same. CONVICT ALL BLONDS!

 

Kame in his pants #3. He is crouching down like a frog. I feel suddenly quite fond of him. YAAAAY he’s lost weight! Kame now jumps about in his undercrackers and everyone yells banzaaaai baaanzaaaaaai, hugs each other, yells some more, etc.

 

Um okay, another training montage. A group of middle ages ladies in leisurewear somehow contrive to send about 50 baseballs, netballs, bouncy balls, space hoppers, gumballs, footballs, balls balls [etc] down the ubiquitous park steps. Let’s let Kousaku show off his gallantry and flexibility by twisting about to avoid the balls and “save” the child… oh hold on, save the child from WHAT? What harm could a BALL bouncing down a step even do?! Anyway blah blah the small child appears to be in the ward of… Sheeeshter Angela! How long will I feel like typing that out in full without coming up with a handy nickname? Not long I reckon. Sheester is reassuring the child, whereas Kousaku is busy clinging onto thin air with a goofy grin on his face. Goofy grins!! Sometimes I worry that debuted Johnnys lose all the goofiness developed in extensive years of Junior humiliation but either they don’t, or they just Act Through The Angst. I suspect Kame is doing the latter. Oh Kame-chan, hold meee~~~

 

Scene: long table full of food. Made by the children! Cute child #1 to a drooling Kousaku. “Please have my side dish” – mmmm korokke! Boy child won’t let Cute Child #1 have her own way, and shoves a plate of homemade meatballs under Kousaku’s nose. Kousaku knows he shouldn’t, but Sheeshter now lays on the guilt that the kids made it themselves… there are now so many children that we’re over-run. Argh, the gappy grins!! Cannot… resist!! Obviously, Kousaku goes insane on the meatballs and starts squealing like one of those faux-orgasmic experiences you’re supposed to have with Herbal Essences shampoo. I know how he feels! I always go for the meatballs and jam when I’m in IKEA. Swedish meatballs are the best, I guess meatballs made by small children can be just as good though!

 

BUT WITH GREAT MEATBALLS COMES GREAT WEIGHT GAIN. It’s the weigh-in in the arena, and as a result of the pig out, Kousaku is over 4kg. Kame here uses all his acting skills, by err, arching his back and sticking his belly out, like when little kids try and copy their pregnant mothers. I am finding myself becoming… strangely fond?? of this kind of, playdoh, play-acting that is rapidly showing itself to be 1PG’s stock in trade – Kousaku’s weight gain here is meant to represent the childishness, the simple greediness of his character. There’s still some time left, so Kame goes to the sauna to try and sweat out 4kg. He fails by 453g (slide scales are accurate down to a level of grams?? OKAY). Naughty Kousaku. He’s let his gym down, he’s let the other boxer down, but most of all… he’s let himself down. The other gym owner storms out, vowing never to fight – what the hell are they called? – gym ever again. Oh, like, we’re, dead, scared.

 

“Just one pound”, Puffa Matriarch flatly states. “Why do you box? Why don’t you just quit”? Kousaku’s lower lip wobbles and he goes to emo next to some trees. And now – gosh, as if his feet walked without his input – he’s at the convent again and decides to request an audience with Sheeshter. But instead he meets Sister Millie (SAINT MILLIE??? Millicent?? I like to think I know my saints, guys!!) who is strangely reluctant to help out her so-called friend. Not that this isn’t a drama character we haven’t encountered in say, every drama we’ve ever watched. “I’m your friend! This is why I hate you and secretly try to ruin your life”! In Nobuta we had evil Aoi, in Anego we had [er??], and in Zettai Kareshi we had Mika – although frankly ANYONE called Mika has GOT to be evil, amirite?? Anyway, Sister Millie is rebuked by someone short in glasses who appears to be their Mother Superior, who peers through hug specs at Millie and Kousaku, and twitters faux-innocently (she knows) – “are you abandoning a lost sheep”? Yes yes, because Kousaku has “lost his way” but seeing as he’s only met Sheeshter ONCE and decided once and for all that she’s his shepherd, I don’t know how the other nuns decide he’s an abandoned sheep and not just someone with, say, a nun fetish.

 

Run run run through the streets of wherever this is supposed to be. Sheeshter is buying LEEKS. Huge LEEKS. 0 comment. Kousaku now has a heart to heart with Sheeshter on a park bench. Sheeshter advises Kousaku that if he’s suffering, and people around him are suffering, then it might be a good idea to “find your new light”. Decent enough advice, from ONE STRANGER TO ANOTHER. Did I mention that Kousaku knows nothing about Sheeshter? Then again – “do what other people say/ as things are going wrong your own way” is a valid lifestyle choice. Kousaku stands up with manic energy, bows low to Sheeshter, and, yep, runs off. AGAIN. Has he got them trainers with springs in ’em? I don’t care as long as we get rid of the subtle picking of the acoustical guitar threatens to drown out my screams of “BRING ME SOME MORE GIN BEFORE CHINEN YUURI TURNS UP”. Blah blah Sheeeshter looks pensive but who cares.

 

AWESOME CUT to a restaurant. Kousaku has a napkin tucked into his hoodie and is clutching a fork and spoon. Let’s count what’s on the table so we too can eat – Kousaku style!

 

1 x glass of iced peach juice

1 x… well frankly it looks like paella?

1 x seaweed salad is it?

1 x chicken Caesar salad…? croutons and radishes do I spy?

1 x OMURICE!

1x huge pile of nachos?

1 x heck I can’t tell at all. Pork?

1 x noodles with prawn and lime

1 x bread basket

3 x ICE CREAMS in adorable little ice cream cone holders which I now covet and MUST HAVE.

 

(Anyone else uncomfortably reminded of the potential similarity between this and a bulimic binge? No, just me then? Good good, let’s not let twinges of dysfunction impinge, it is important to realise this IS JUST FUNNY OKAY).

 

SCOFF SCOFF OM NOM NOM NOM NOM ITADAKIMASU. Two more plates arrive but we can’t see what they are. CUT TO scowling Puffa Matriarch who’s hitting the shouchu. Good lady. Now she’s boxing with a road sign but has fallen over. Falling… over… you say? Hasn’t this happened to another character in this drama already? CLAAANG! Puffa Matriarch looks quite happy falling asleep on the pavement but – doh – here’s bloody Maria-sama again, sticking her holy nose in (no rival to Ikuta Toma’s beautiful nose).

 

BACK TO THE GYM. Do these boxers have no home to go to? Kousaku admits he’s quitting. He has the full support of DELM who seems to think he’s in some way capable of giving Kousaku some advice from the depths of his standard Johnnys-issue plaid. DELM (who I am assuming is Puffa’s son here?) doesn’t seem to really note that his mum is missing, which is fine by me as Sheeshter has picked her up and taken her to – ah – a small family restaurant. YAY! Herein comes the real indication that we’re truly in dramaverse now. All dramas have ONE family restaurant, possibly another STALL, a few KIOSKS and maybe an outside cafe – but the important thing is the spirit of “of all the gin joints in the world, you just had to go and walk into this one”.

 

Puffa slurs her words as a beef and pork cutlet bowl is set in front of her. Fuck, I wish I had a pork and beef cutlet bowl. My ‘tea’ was crackers and pesto. Mitaka appears to take Puffa home. Ah! Unrequited love! He sits and stares at her as Puffa gently falls asleep without even bothering to touch her beef and pork cutlet. Bitch! I’ll eat it if you won’t. Ah, touching flashback time to tiny Puffa in oh so cute 70s dungarees rescuing chibi (and chubby) Mitaka with her proto boxing skills. Oh, too cute! And here they still are, years onwards, drunk and tired. Sob! That’s my type of couple. (It also appears that they let 7yr olds into pro boxing matches ER IS THAT QUITE CORRECT)? Anyway blah blah Maria-sama is touched and tells Puffa hat she absolutely can’t give up on her champion boxer. With the conviction of a drunk, Puffa agrees with wide-eyes. Mitaka carts her out with a piggyback. I think I love them.

 

OH DEAR, something that sounds suspiciously like a church of England “choir” sing-along with a trendy vicar playing acoustical guitar plays in the background. Dear Japan, flirt with Catholicism all you want in this drama and I will love it but dear Christ less of this Anglican shit, get the fuck behind a church organ wouldja now? HONTOU NI ARIGATO etc  And speaking of Catholicism, let’s address something whilst we’re here. Sheeshter has just told Kousaku that ‘suffering isn’t good’. Ah ah ah, Sheeshter, aren’t you forgetting one of the fundamental tenets of Catholicism here? Christ suffered for our sins, through suffering we can achieve the kingdom of heaven in the next life, the story of my beloved Therese de Lisieux, the suffering on the cross? The crucifix in the church is so small you can barely even see it, the one in the church I grew up in dominated the entire building… Anyway. Sheeshter is now trying to go back on her previous speech and convince Kousaku he should be a champion after all. Women, ha! You can make them take vows, commit them to celibacy and dress them in habits but you can’t stop them from ALWAYS CHANGING THEIR FREAKIN’ MINDS, AM I RIGHT LADS. Kousaku says “but you said suffering was bad” – we’ll have less of this independent thinking here, laddie. Sheeshter just rambles on that he should be a champion, Kousaku flails a bit and looks like a duck. But nicely, here comes a nice looking old geezer, in er, harem pants. He’s the former rookie of the year of east Japan! Turns out he’s going to be Kousaku’s next bout. Kousaku sulks and turns away to the corner and Sheeshter does the whole “you’re a glutton”!! yelling up in Kousaku’s “grill”. Kousaku yells back and gosh you’re not expecting us to actually think there’s any tension between Kousaku and Sheeshter here are you? “Ehhh”, gasps DELM, on another riverside running montage, “why’s he bothering”? GOOD QUESTION.

 

More montage, Kousaku has a lovely range of Addidas tracksuits. He’d fit in well in Camden in 1996. He’s wearing one of those nose strips that’s supposed to stop people from snoring. It’s actually really cute. Ah now he’s shirtless and sweaty again so time to get the sponsors in to association meiji and canon etc with delicious glistening mmm mm yum… what?? shit!!

 

Right now here’s a bit of plot about Kousaku fighting the Former Rookie of the year. He’s now getting on, and this is going to be his last fight. But he’s never won, you see, and he has a son who he wants make proud. As he delivers his speech, the child sulks, “You say that, but you’ll lose again, DESHOOUUU”, and runs out, followed by his demoralised somewhat father. Now for some reason, Former Rookie and son are in the bath singing the Anikinda theme song happily together (the cuet!), but er, Kousaku and Sheeshter are still eating in the living room. Er I don’t know what’s happening here. ANYWAY exposition about former rookie, I can’t bring myself to care. Guess whether this touching story has touched Sheeshter’s heart, and whether Sheeshter might ask Kousaku if, perhaps – he could find a way… to let the former rookie… win his final match? So that his child can be proud? OH YES THERE WE GO. zzzzz, let’s instead concentrate how Kame’s hair has suddenly poofed straight back into Farrah Fawcett idol flicks!

 

Kousaku agrees to throw the match. Manipulative much, Sheeshter? Gah, there will be some justification about her demands from Kousaku soon enough I bet – she’s sheltered from the world, she doesn’t realise her power over men, perhaps. But let’s forget – she barely knows Kousaku and she’s asking her to risk his whole career for all she knows, for the sake of some small child of another boxer who she doesn’t know – and never MIND the whole concept that perhaps a nun might find something a little strange about supporting a violent sport? Mightn’t we?

 

Kousaku fights, Kousaku holds back. Rookie goes biff bang pow., DELM enters and eyes up the ring. Dewily. Sheeshter comes in, the strings of Serious Thought play in the background as Kousaku falls to the mat with a bruise on his lower lip, in the best Artfully Distressed Jyannisu-style, Kame’s startling eyebrows come together, as looks Sheeshter in the eye and growls…”I just don’t want to lose”!! Kousaku gets up! The strings swell and he comes out fighting as if he hasn’t already gone down in however many rounds. Kame’s back has a very, very nice line down the spine, for what it’s worth. What? He’s SHIRTLESS, am I supposed to not notice it. He has tiny, tiny nipples. Yes okay, this is hardly earth-shattering commentary here but I had to mention it at some point unless he’s going to start fighting in a burkha.

 

“Both of you do your best”, cries Sheeshter. Oh what a wet blanket!! Support your side or don’t yell at all! You know what you are Sheeshter? You’re the bloody prawn sandwich brigade. Half Man Half Biscuit sing about people like you! ANYWAY fight fight fight, and with a handy mnemonic about ducking and weaving set to names of food, Kousaku WINS! Hurrah hurrah we all cheer. Former Rookie apologises to his son. Son says “you were cool”, even though Former Rookie lost. My heart would be warmed if it weren’t already filled with joy at seeing Kame’s bruised lip..

 

Outside! Kousaku asks Sheeshter out on a date-o, and yells, “DAI DAI DAISUKI DESU”! Sister runs away to buy hodgepodge. And look, Kame’s baseball jacket has a wee Celtic cross on it. Is that meant to link Kousaku with the cross that the Sheeshter wears or am I pushing it somewhat? For that matter, what IS hodgepodge? In the kombini, Sheeshter is filling up on hodgepodge, and has a flashback whilst ladling away to Kousaku’s final punches. A smirk rises to her face. “Boxing, huh?”, she grins under her breath. SISTER! SAUCE! And now KAT-TUN’s “Lips” starts playing. LET’S DO A SEVEN DEADLY SINS WATCH.. We have… a nun? Smirking? At a shirtless man? Throwing punches? TO ROCK MUSIC? Whilst in the family restaurant Kousaku is scoffing beef and pork cutlet? How many deadly sins is that in 5 seconds? Lust? Anger? Gluttony? ROCK AND ROLL? How many sins can you collect in the next episode? Gotta catch them all!

 

And now it’s time for Sing Along With KAT-TUN!

 

♫ ♫ deeeeennnwaaaa naarri tsuzuketaaaaaa#ieee wooo nukedassshiiite taarra

DOOKO DE KIMI NI AERUUUUUUUUU

tsutaei koto bakaerii

NAZE aaeba auhodo ni OOOOOOO

etc etc etc

SONO AKAKU SOMARU KOOOCHIBIRU

chikazukete kowashitai haGEEESHIKU

SONO MAMADE SONO MAMA DE

jibbun dake semenai de

kooono te wo HANAAASANAIIIDE♫ ♫

 

Like we so have to do this at karaoke dudes like totally yeah like whoa.