Posted by: sarah | October 13, 2008

Drama Recaps: One Pound Gospel, Episode Three

Previously on One Pound Gospel: see recaps of episodes one and two, now featuring screencap addenda.

Episode Three. We begin with a money shot that generally encompasses everything we’ve gathered from the first two episodes. Idol in his underpants? Weighing scale? Check! Kame is wearing the same pair of underpants that he always gets weighed in – I guess they spent the rest of the clothing budget on those awesome fetching tracksuits. Kousaku is pretty much on the cusp of his peak weight. Puffa and Mitaka make “watch it” noises, and swat Kousaku out of the gym to go on yet another jog.

Kousaku quickly changes into a lovely red (HURRAH!) two piece Puma ensemble for him and hits the street, along with some other boxers, all in boring black and grey trackies. Godddd he looks so cute, Kamenashi, how do you do this to me?! Did all you need to do was to dye your hair black?? Am I still THAT MUCH of a goth at heart so that I find your darkened tresses irresistible?? Whilst the boxers run, they gossip about their weight. What GURLS!

Mid-run, Kousaku gets handed a leaflet for a charity bazaar… oh and what a surprise it’s at St Eloise’s! Perhaps they are selling off some of some of the Mary Idols in order to buy some more lilac lillies of temptation? The boxers think this is a good excuse as any to slack off their training, and head to the convent. Kousaku does a bizarre wobbly arse-sticky out walk through the gates for no reason whatsoever – perhaps meant to signify ‘happiness’? Signifies constipation to me. Ssay it with me, Sisters – RESTRAINING ORDER. All the other boxers follow him like sheep. Baaaa.

Kousaku looks around, sniffing like a dog and wearing one of those nasal strips that expand yr passages. Apparently these strips also stop you snoring – I fear NOTHING SHALL STOP MY SNORING IF THIS DRAMA DOES NOT GET ONE PLOT – and beepbeepbeep! TARGET IDENTIFIED. Kousaku sniffs around, spots Sheeshter playing with some particularly dull looking children and frantically offers his help. Help with what? Sitting in peace? With dull children who aren’t doing anything more strenuous than sitting down and listening to a parable or so? Sheeshter tells Kousaku in so many words to “naff off”.

Oh oh oh!! Excuse me whilst I get excited! Look, a KNITTING STALL! The sisters have been knitting scarves! Kousaku’s eyes light up, and he Kousaku paws through all the scarves to try and find the one hand-knitted by Sheeshter. “I did my bessst”, simpers Sheester. I roll my eyes. Come back to me when you’ve knitted some socks or a fair isle sweater and THEN I’ll listen to you getting all spirit-of-domestic-goddess-ganbaru. Ooh, aren’t I the knitting snob?

Kousaku’s object of scarf lust has been purchased by another boxer. The scarf is quite good rly. It looks like a 2×2 rib or maybe 1×1 in chunky red yarn with a fringe. I actually do quite like it, even though I am generally a bit meh about fringes. Fringes belong on awful cowboy jackets, and glittery neon Johnnys concert outfits.

But yeah, the boxer. Let us call him “I don’t care what your name is”-san. IDCWYNI-san doesn’t want to part with the scarf. Quite right! Kousaku flips out, and the boxers regress in a very real sense to four years old and chase each other round the courtyard like they’re on a post Raspberry-Ripple and Kraft Cheese Slices high. Unfortunately, the regression only applies to their mental state. They retain the quite physical bodies of boxers and – yep, shit gets smashed up. Sheeshter isn’t impressed, the boxers get barred from the convent (arf) and Kousaku screeches manically. Does he have banshee heritage?

Back at the MerzBox. Is this what I’m going to call the boxing gym from now on? I guess it is! I’m an idiot. Dewy Eyed Love Moppet Yamada Ryosuke is watching the boxers. Again. He’s always watching. Always… waiting. Eek! Getting a little creepy. What’s behind the watching? Will he turn out to be in love with Kousaku, or are his dewy eyes just making it seem this way? Perhaps they don’t have cable for him to watch “Gossip Girl” in the Merzbox. DELM is approached by someone… suspiciously short… hang on… is it… is it…????

YES!!! Fireworks erupt, let’s all carnivaaaal! Here comes this episode’s featured cameo, DELM’s fellow Hey!Say!JUMP menber, Chinen “don’t call me Lilly” Yuuri! *stands* *applauds*. Recapping might get a little hard from now on because Lilly is actually SO SMALL that he sometimes has difficulty actually registering on camera. Seriously, he’s shorter than Ryo Nishikido, Yuya Tegoshi and Nino from Arashi, whose combined shortness actually registers in negative figures. A black hole where height is somehow lacking. Dimensional science, Johnnys style!

Hilariously, Lilly is playing some sort of rebel. You can tell this because his hair is slicked back! Oh my god. This is adorable. He’s wearing a miniature MAFIA SUIT!!! it’s like Bugsy Malone!! Or that sketch in the Ya-ya-yah show where those kids do a delinquent comedy sketch? (“I’m the Osaka jack knife! I’m the Roppongi Tiger! … I’m the… Kobe Hamburger!”). Lilly wants to join the boxing gym to “get good at fights”. “I’ve never lost in a brawl before” (Vocabulary lesson = a brawl is けんか, and jisho says you write it like this: 諠譁! So, if you ever head to Japan for a brawl you should now be adequately equipped. End of vocab lesson). Lilly continues. “Hit, get money, and be fawned over, that’s what boxing is all about”. Well, no-one’s going to fawn over you in Hey!Say!JUMP unless you are Yuya Takaki with his amazingly flippy hair. He smokes menthols, that makes him cool, like JAMES DEAN.

Puffa frowns at Lilly, she doesn’t like his motivation for boxing. They escort Lily down the stairs and out of the gym. Downstairs is full of new boxing equipment! Hurrah and glee! It’s only turned out that Lilly’s dad has bought the Box a lot of equipment. Puffa begins to come round to the idea of giving Lilly a chance. Lilly stands behind Kousaku, and does an EVIL SMIRK, which consists of puffing his cheeks out like a hampster. Kousaku is still miserable and binge-eating again. This time he appears to be eating a poloney/baloney (are these things the same thing??) sausage!! Hurrah! Other binge foods look like, an apple and – NOOO! DON’T DO IT!! the most fattening thing of all. WATER!! Kousaku!!

Lilly begins his first training session and slumps against the ring halfway through. Oh Lilly, you’re sulking sooo convincingly. Don’t stop now! DELM pauses halfway down the stairs so we all get a chance to admire his plaid shirt. And… watches. Silently. And disappears. TO GO BACK TO HIS KOUSAKU SHRINE, AMIRITE? Kousaku overhears the boxers gossiping about Lilly being a rich kid, and decides to suck up to him. I don’t know why but it probably involves Sheeshter so who cares?

Off they go to lunch. Tea. “Dinner”, if you’re from the South. “Supper”, if you’re posh. Beef and pork cutlet bowl it is. Lilly’s hair is still full of gunk! There’ll be a national shortage if he appears in more than one episode. Kousaku mopes, and wibbles at cuteypie Nori that he “can’t bury this sadness without food”. Let’s leave him to it whilst Lilly flashesback to a conversation with his parents. They’re having their tea. Or “dinner”. Or “supper”, etc. Mother sits savouring her sole ryvita titters annoyingly from behind her hand and dad is strict… and wears a PASHMINA? Is this how you show your wealth in a classier way than a Burberry scarf? Sure. Dad tells Lilly that he can start boxing if he can land a hit on the strongest boxer at the gym. Back to the Three Meals, and Lily aims a hit at Kousaku, who innocently avoids it by learning over to Lilly, and stealing his onion. Lily re-clenches his first and tries again! But Kousaku has ducked to the floor and found a lucky penny. Lucky!!

Next day. Puffa, Lilly and Kousaku are jogging again which is frankly a flimsy excuse for them to (quite literally hem hem) run into Sheeshter. She s out shopping again buying YET MORE LEEKS. Actually they might be baguettes, but how likely is that? LEEKS. Leeks I tell you. Leeky leeky leek leek. LEEEEEEEKS! Blah blah Kousaku remonstrates with Sheeshter about dating again and I am SO GLAD not to listen to it AGAIN that I don’t mind some exposition between Puffa and Lilly. Puffa totally pwns Lilly, who is apparently THIRTEEN (how old IS our Lilly anyway?), but puts her back out picking up her bike. I TOLD YOU BIKES WERE EVIL.

A new location!! We’re at DELM’s school! How exciting!! A new location AND he’s not wearing plaid! I feel like all my summers have some at once, SUGOI NE?? DELM toddles along to his pigeonhole to pick up his outdoor shoes. Do I need to explain that in Japanese schools, the pupils change from outdoor shoes into indoor shoes on arrival and vice versa? As far as I can tell it is a handy plot device. In Proposal Daisakusen it lead to “OMG ADORABLE YAMAPI AND MASAMI NAGASAWA ADORABLENESS” and here it appears to be setting up a bit of DELM-specific plot. (Masami Nagaawa ranks highly on most-disliked lists along with wozzname Erika, Sawjari… something or other but seeing as the criteria for ranking on these things is stuff like “behaved unprofessionally at a launch party”, like WHATEVER. I still like her. She is better than Gakky and Makky anyway). Oh, sorry, got distracted.

Oh, a poignant piano plays. DELM shuffles home in his indoor shoes. “Kattttsumiiii-chaaan~”, mock some BULLIES. I forgot DELM had an actual name! “Wearing your indoor shoes outside??” “AAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHA”. It’s funny because it’s true?

Bullies ruffle DELM’s hair and then run away feeling very, very pleased with themselves. DELM is being picked on – where is the justice in the world? DELM gets bullied and 2ft tall chubby-cheeked Lilly is all hard-bitten and “Imma gonna kick yr asses”? Anyway, the bullies run off, and then random boxer turns up to inform DELM that his mother is in hospital. And it’s all Lilly’s fault! I hope someone’s gunna smack a bitch here.

Blah blah, Other Boxers spew out some stuff here to Lilly about ‘real boxers don’t hit outside the ring’, blah blah there are seven gods in each fist, etc blah. The piano of “I know I shouldn’t see him, BUT!!” plays, as Kousaku, yet agaaaaain, asks Sheeshter out on a date-o. Arghhh! DELM talks to his mum whilst she eats GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT from a tub. Mud, I think. Blimey, DELM’s face is moonish, perhaps the uniform emphasises it. Haha! Lolz, Chinen is supposed to be the one obsessed with Ohno-sempai, you’d think if anyone was going to have a round face it would be Lilly. Puffa notices DELM is still wearing his indoor shoes and asks him where his outdoor shoes are. DELM makes an excuse about rushing over and having no time to change. I don’t think Puffa believes this for a second.

Merzbox. Dark. Lilly. Throws most unconvincing punches ever. DELM approaches Lilly for some sort of heart to heart. The tension MOUNTS as DELM tells Lilly he’ll never be able to hit a pro. Perhaps I’d think he had a point, if he weren’t simply doing what DELM has done in every episode so far, and just tell someone that they won’t achieve [whatever they’re trying to do]. DELM finally makes eye contact with Lily, before trudging off. Is this what passes for “fanservice” for Hey!Say!JUMP members? Snooze.

Kousaku. Running. White tracksuit top. Lily tries to tempt him with some takoyaki. Looks good! I’m tempted! I can barely stand to type the next part, but Sheeshter, having obtained permission from mother superior turns up – how did she know where Kousaku was? – to tell Kousaku that she’ll train him whilst Puffa is incapacitated. (Puffa had asked Sheeshter in the last scene). Kousaku is over the moon, whilst Sheeshter sits with her hands folded sappily as Kousaku does a grillion setups. I am SURE this is nothing to Kamenashi Kazuya, but my “abs” are aching in sympathy. I can do about 10 sit-ups. I am pretty sure I *do* have “abs”, they’re just under a big squishy tummy full of beer and Patisserie Valerie hazelnut croissants <3

Hospital. Awwww, Mitaka has cut up apples for Puffa. He’s done them in BUNNY SHAPE! Choooo kawaiiiii! Awww it’ll be OK Mitaka, I’m sure Puffa will realise that you’re the man for her by the end of the series!. Nrrghhh, Merbox. Kousaku is famished from his training, and getting ferocious. Kousaku tilts his head back, extends his neck, and growls. I growl a little too. Ahem, I er, well, yes. Er. *wibbles* Er, just give me a moment. *gulps*. Even LILLY falls over backwards. *ulp*

Hahahaha. A starved Kousaku sits with his head lying on the table, flobbing his mouth open and shut like a fish. It is sort of the dumbest thing ever yet kind of adorable and how am I even typing his gahhhhh stoppit Kame stop ambushing me with your crap drama by being hot! You’re too ~~Kame~~~ to be HOTT. Sheeshter worries for a while, then goes home, but not before giving Kousaku a, erm, St Christopher pendant?? “for strength”. I hope it’s not a bloody St Christopher then. Unless you’re implying Kamenashi is a car in which one may “take a ride”? I would. Or is it a scapula? Can’t tell.

HA HA HA. Lilly gabs on the phone to his parents. By gum he is ANGRY now and slams his arm against a window. Graagh! He’ll show his parents that he CAN land a punch! He’ll show us allllllll!

Kousaku lies in bed, sleepless and suffering. Dehydration and starvation related hallucinations again. All par for the course. He looks up, from the middle of a cold sweat. And somehow his room is full of food! Hot bowls of noodles, steamed buns, sweeties (shweeeets!) and outside, Lilly has blocked the door with a MOP! He’s evil!! Kousaku’s room-mate comes along and catches Lilly in the act. He clips Lilly round the ear and opens the door, to find Kousaku alternately moaning, crying, and eating a pork bun.. Chrissst. Totally expected emotional resonance!

They call a conference in the Merzbox. The boxers chew Lilly out. I’d cap if I could bear it. Is it possible someone learnt a lesson here? If so, it went straight past me. They weight Kousaku, who has put on 1kg from his binge. Sheeshter is UPSET and BETRAYED and flounces straight out. So, they summoned her in the middle of the night from the convent? Gods work encompasses being on call at all times for boxers, Matthew chapter 12 verses 1-8.

Kousaku runs by the river with Mitaka. Is running really the best exercises for boxers? I would have thought they would be focusing more on weights and explosive power? Then again I also think that they wouldn’t starve themselves for days as part of their training routine. Huuuge bags under Kousaku’s eyes. I guess this is what Kame looks like underneath all that foundation. Oh, hold me close baby, let me apply some Boots No7 “Protect and Perfect” to your eyebags. Oh yes, that’s better baby girl, now you’re all pretty again. ~~chuuu~~.

Poignant organ music plays in the background as a flashback plays. OH! The thing Sheeshter gave Kousaku wasn’t a scapula, it was just a LOCKET THING which for some reason has a picture of Puffa in it. OKAY. Why the HOLY TEGOSHI would Sheeshter have this around her neck in the first place?? She did NOT get the locket from Puffa, so where did she find the photo?? I’ll have the pork chow mein with a side order of eye rolls please. Anyway, it somehow inspires Kousaku so lets have another training montage. I really hate this acoustical guitar backing music now btw. Sweaty Kousaku. TOO sweaty. Sigh! It’s a delicate balance.

“Kousaku, do you want to gargle on some water”, offers Mitaka. Er, whatever. Kousaku sits surrounded by patio heaters and boiling kettles, I assume trying to sweat out his remaining weight. I really, seriously, hope that no-one ever tries to lose weight using ANY of these methods, suggestible teens of Japan. Healthy diet and exercise? Too alien a concept in the drama-verse? Kousaku makes the weigh-in, despite being a whiter shade of pale, and collapses off the scales. Kousaku manages to gasp feebly “Will Sheehster come to watch my match” and stumbles. We don’t have to ponder for long, as DELM turns up at the convent with some free tickets for Sheeshter. So I guess that Group Save offer from ep2 isn’t available anymore Sheeshter accepts, and she and DELM sprint off to the arena.

Ah how the course of true rub never runs smooth. Lilly has gotten himself into a kenka outside the arena. What a TOUGH. Sheeshter tries to save him from the older guys, DELM gibbers a bit, then runs to fetch Kousaku. Amusing scene follows, where Kousaku ritalises on to Sheeshter about not living up to her expectations whilst unwittingly avoiding the bad guys attempts at punches. However, a good scene can’t last more than 10 seconds so we move on quickly. Just as Kousaku is about to punch a baddie, Sheeshter yells “DON’T”! Kousaku stops short, fist about one inch from the boxers face.

Okay, right. Kousaku is a pro-boxer. Part of being a pro-boxer is having SOME control over his own power. So instead of Kousaku controlling his power, dispatching the ill-intentioned toughs without causing serious injury – because as I say HE is the one in a position to be able control the situation, avoiding getting injured in brawl, before an important match, he now has to just sit back and take the punches, because Sheeshter – all of a sudden!! – thinks punching is baaaad, mmkay? Nyarrrfggggh, so frustrating!! AND here’s the acoustical guitary singing again, I am going to punch something MYSELF. Arghhh!!

Anyway blah blah, they beat him up. Lilly, Sheeshter and DELM are safely rescued. Kousaku is bruised, but manages to make his way back to the arena for his fight. In the arena, Kousaku steps in some sand, Eh?? “Kakkkkoiii na”, swoon both DELM and Lilly. Pffft. All you need are some green satin underpants and clearly Hey! Say! JUMP members will do ANYONE.

Thank fuck!! We’re spared having to sit through the match for the third episode. Back at the Merzbox, Lilly is back on more traditional ground and sparkles away cutely at the boxers that he’s learned to behave properly. How nice. Lilly beams that he’ll come back to the Merzbox once he graduates. Now, bear in mind this is Japanese school graduation which could mean almost anything as far as I gather from Skool Dramas Wot I have Watched, put it one way it won’t mean after he graduates from University. So we may not see him in any further episodes. (No University would ever let him in, HE IS TOO SMALL). The boxers smile, clearly thinking “yeah AS IF”. Lilly strolls off, and then turns back at the door with an afterthought. Please send all the boxing equipment back, will you? The boxers all groan in unison. Doiii!

Just as we think it’s over… back to the school of emo. The bullies are at DELM’s pigeonhole and are putting glue inside DELM’s outdoor shoes. DELM meets the eyes of the bullies, with eyes so moist they could hydrate whole deserts, walks past them, silently picks up his shoes and walks off. “What’s WITH him?”, frown the bullies. Good question. The son of a boxer doesn’t want to live up to boxing expectations and avoids confrontations? He’s powerful and scared of his own power? He’s just TOTALLY EMO?? Will this explain his scary watching and waiting? Telll meeeee!

Next week! An omiai?! MY EYES! A love rival for Sheeshter! GARSP! Kousaku takes cooking lessons! NEVER! And wears that cute orange puffa jacket with lime zips again! A tense shot of DELM throwing a mop to the floor. MOP! I hope we get some exposition on DELM’s plotline, but I wouldn’t count on it. Will there be any more H!S!J! members?! There aren’t enough episodes. Why can’t Hikaru ever be in a drama? I LOVE HIM. Or Yamashita Shoon, COME ON JOHNNY. DO IT.


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