Posted by: sarah | November 8, 2008

Liveblog: Potato, December 2008

wah-cry Dread news in that my birthday present subscription is going to run out after the next issue! Crrrrry! So, let’s liveblog the magazine, whilst I still can.

FIRST OF ALL. The cover artist this week is Arashi, but what, what, when I first got this I couldn’t move for about five minutes whilst I got over Jun’s new hairdo. Curly perms are out, FRAY BENTOS PIE FRINGES are IN! When it comes to the actual cover feature on Arashi, he actually looks quite cute, but in the sense like he’s one of those Japanese art student hanging around outside Central St. Martins blocking the GODAMM CHARING CROSS ROAD hoping to see the Beatles. Hysterical, I love it, i’ll buy 20 copies of your new single, sold.

NEXT. Kanjani8 ‘wipe-clean’ pull out. Kanjani8 appear to be partaking in some some of native-american-indian theme. Given that Kanjani appear to be universally rocking the preppy salaryman haircut, this so does NOT work. Ryo is in a poncho, and Yasu might possibly be wearing velour trousers. The other side of the ‘wipe-clean’ is Hey! Say! JUMP! who look universally gawky and washed out. I love the way that Hikaru and Yuto look permanently in “that awkward phase” these days.

The Arashi feature has lots of text which I cannot read so let’s move on and say that for once, Sho Sakurai has the best hair out of Arashi, by virtue of nicking Kazunari Ninomiya’s haircut. Arashi appear to be posing in a B&Q warehouse with show-doors. Moon-faced Ohno Satoshi has chin-fluff :( Aiba‘s perm makes him look like a little old lady. What next, a blue rinse? Arashi feature leads nicely into a fluff piece for Ryusei no Kizuna, which I haven’t been watching yet, wah. Ryo Nishikido eats a banana. Both Nino and Ryo are very small. Nino is actually shorter than Ryo, but they always shoot them so sempai is a wee bit taller. You’re fooling no-one. Ryo’s tshirt reads ‘MOSCOW NUCLEAR REACTOR’. Raggy?!

More Kanjani American Indian nonsense and then on to the inevitable 10 pages for HSJ. 10 members, one page for each individual, one or two pages for the lot of them, it’s the obvious way to ensure hefty magazine coverage but they aren’t half boring. The theme for HSJ appears to be some tatty fake fur spread on a box and a hoodie. Then a brief spread about HSJ ‘anniversary’. WHATEVER, YOURS, SOMEONE STILL ROOTING FOR YAMASHITA SHOON KTHX.

Now to KAT-TUN, where Jin Akanishi answers 16 questions about fashion whilst wearing clothes about 20 sizes too big for him. THANKFULLY, Jin still has some curls going on. *sighs wistfully*. Seriously, his jeans are HUGE, like the early nineties, if they had a patchwork ‘acieeeed!’ motif on the bum pocket I wouldn’t be shocked. It works for him though! Far better than Koki’s khaki (neat) pedal pushers. BTW, Koki is SO THIN that it’s actually not very nice to see, eat a sandwich, dude. Please. For me? Nakamaru answers questions about ‘work’ (he has a new drama with Massu from NEWS! omg!) and wears a hot cricket jumper. Hot. Junno has had his hair hacked into by Johnny Rotten and it looks like he’s talking about work too.

Kamenashi gets to answer questions about fashion too – SURELY SOME MISTAKE – Kamenashi is wearing UGGS?? Dude, this man models for HERMES and is ‘best Jeanist’ (MEANS NOTHING) – and… UGGS? Hysterically, his legs stick out of the furry boots like twigs. How can a mean wearing uggs be qualified to answer anything? I look closer at Kame’s tshirt. It appears to read “EGG TORIPPING“.

NEWS feature! CRY CRY CRY WHERE HAS THE YAMA-PERM GONE? Yamapi’s hair is straight again. Cry! Shige’s hair is brown and he doesn’t look like Pete Burns as much anymore. NEWS sexxxxy man-pose with microphones. I get stuck on the Yamapi page for about 20mins turning into a mess.

Sadly the joy of NEWS fades quickly on the next feature which is SMAP CLUB SPECIAL, noooes. Pictures from live SMAP concert really do prove why Kimutaku is always votest the BEST AND HOTTEST OF EVERYTHING EVER, don’t they?

Onwards – Tsubasa looks ‘rock and preppy, and Tackey wears three types of check. Gingham (including BOW TIE), “glen” check (I would call it houndstooth), and tartan check. Hurray, his tartan trousers make him look like Rupert Bear. Win. We don’t need to bother with the Kinki Kids feature do we? It’s boring – it always is. Nothing is interesting about Kinki Kids apart from Tsuyoshi Domoto’s wonderful sulky face.

ENOUGH OF SECTION 1 for the debuted bands. The back half of the magazine is dedicated to the Juniors, and about two women and two non-Johnnys. ABC appear now to be ABC-Z with an extra member, and have done a concert with Kis-My-Ft-2. Wasn’t Yamashita Shoon performing with ABC for a while? I thought that was a good mix – Shoon after all was the acrobat of Ya-ya-yah…

The tiniest Junior must be this Shintaro Morimoto, he has an enormous pair of headphones over his ears and is pictured listening to records. But what are these records? Next to him is the 12″ single version of ‘Venus’ by Bananarama, but the record on the player? “Feel This” by “TAKE THAT”??? I don’t remember this single. It doesn’t appear on discogs.com… is this super special secret boybandism single only available to other boybandists in training?!

More Juniors. Knowing your Juniors is quite advanced boybandism so I’ll crack on. We have Junior-poses with cupcakes and broken bicycles. Question?‘s feature is called ‘Draw the Future’ (which features no drawings) – the best thing to note is that Akun has got HUGE BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS. Question? are the ones who are Serious about Playing Their Own Instruments and Akun is particularly rubbish at Shounen Club skits. I used to hate them, now I quite like them. They share the spread with SHOON YAMASHITA HOORAY. Shoon’s feature is called ‘Image Change’ – Shoon puts on a pink hoodie. That’s about it. Wah, this sort of feature will never get him debuted. Can’t he be in ‘Grease’ at least?!

Kansai Junior section! I will state again for the record that Yuma Nakayama is creepy, and my favourite member of “Hey! Say! 7 WEST” is Shinpei Takemoto, because his hair is a bit too high – and I like the name ‘Shinpei’ because it makes me think of ‘Sharpey’ from HIgh School Musical. What of it?!

I have nothing to say about OSSaN, but on the next page is my arbitrary about fourth favourite Junior, Bunichi Hamanaka. I like Bunichi for the following reasons: 1. his name has ‘bun’ in it; and 2. he has a huge Phil Oakey fringe. In his shoot he is also, like Tackey, wearing tartan kecks.

AGWHHGAGRAGRFHGAF SPEAKING OF TACKEY well here is the poor man’s equivalent, Hiroki “lush” Uchi. I don’t know if Uchi is seeking solace from all the booze with a TANNING SALON ADDICTION but oh my god – the man is ORANGE. What’s going ON :( Next page – it’s Ikuta Toma who is wearing a shiny pimp suit and there’s really not much I can say about that, because at least it’s better than his quiff in the stage performance of ‘Grease’.

NON-JOHNNYS SECTION NOW – luckily it is quite small. I don’t really want to talk about non Johnnys but we have to include the page which has Shirota Yu dressed in green medical scrubs which has reduced me to a gibbering mess. Oh my god just imagine if he teamed up with Code Blue Yamapi, they could be like JD and Turk in Japanese SCRUBS but with way more hottness. If I wrote ‘fic’ then I would be writing NC-17 medical roleplaying RIGHT NOW. Ha ha I can admit to this as I suspect no-one will possibly still be reading this by now. Oh my god Shirota Yu needs to do me so hard. I repeat – no-one is reading up to here. I hope they’re not. Anyway. More non Johnnys, more women zzzzz.

Now we’re back to Johnnys in the back pages which contain some of the best features. First is the GALLERY, where fresh-faced teens draw in super manga-fied pictures of their favourite Johnnys. One of the features is to recreate a photoshoot from the last episode, and the quality of the pictures vary from ham-fisted to spam-fisted. The best one this episode is an Arashi CD Debut 9th Anniversary drawing and BY FAR THE WORST is a picture of naked Tackey & Tsubasa in an onsen, staring at each other with hearts floating around their heads. noooo. There’s a terrible picture of Matsujun but that’s par for the course. And there is a random member of Question? in a bunny suit. Like Simon Amstell in yesterday’s Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

Over the page, more drawings, but these ones are for Johnnys birthdays. This month, Ryo Nishikido, 23, Satoshi Ohno is 26, Junichi Okada is 28, and Junno and Koki from KAT-TUN both turn 23. Salad of all the super cute!

The ‘real’ music section features ‘NUDY SHOW’, ‘Pornograffiti’ and er… ‘The Jonas Brothers’. WHY JENNIFER?

My actual favourite section of Potato follows, even though I can’t understand any of it and it’s a bit pointless. It’s called ‘Idol Theme Park‘, and my joke EVERY MONTH is ‘Idol Theme Park: you pays your money, you takes your ride’. “Hello theme park employee I would like to a go on the Yamashita Tomohisa ride please how many tokens do I need, how long is the queue please take my credit card KTHX”. Etc etc. The joke never gets wearing, even though it is only passport sized red and blue saturated idol photos from earlier on in the mag with a tiny bit of text about the chosen ‘theme’ – this theme is oyatsu – snacks?? I keep swearing that one month I will try and translate at least ONE theme. Jin says something~~ about choco? Junno says something… booro? This, maybe.

I think that’s enough for now! I’m off to drink some gin and juice and giggle some more at Jun’s bowl hairdo. Oh, Matsujun <3

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Responses

  1. Dude I actually read all of this one INCLUDING that paragraph.

  2. Je ne regrette rien~~!

    Here have a blurry cameraphone photo. I have ONLY JUST managed to figure the katakanaism of ‘bachisuta’ into ‘batista’! His drama is ‘team batista no eiko’ and I think.. I must… start watching it. MOAR DOCTOR DRAMA PLS.


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