Posted by: sarah | November 24, 2008

Liveblog: Vintage Shonen Club, January 2006

The ‘genesis’ of this blog was an old liveblog I did from the 2003 episode of the Shonen Club where NEWS debuted, which I um, have never posted here, have I?? Anyway, yes I know my duties really do involve watching the next episode of One Pound Gospel, but… but… *waves down protestors*! Sadly this episode, apart from Kusano, really is a little… boring? Noooo :(

This episode of the Shonen Club is presented by Kusano “Notti” Hironori (which, fact fans, translates to “heroic seaweed”). Occasionally the Shonen Club has guest Johnnys as special ‘producers’! They pick a theme with only a tenuous relationship to anything in the world! Kusano’s theme is BOYS BE AMBITIOUS!

~~~~*presses play on VLC with trepidation*~~~

1. Opening rave chords strike! So exciting, it’s like being in Wembley! Much missed Ya-yah yah wave their arms in the air, but the song rapidly turns into ~Kibou Yell~ by NEWS (bounce bounce bounce wiz me) which looks like it’s being sung by Ya-ya-yah (Hikarrrrru!!) and – yay! It’s Jimmy Mackey who has dyed his hair blonde (“ginger”) – oh Jimmy! You are 20ft taller than all other Jrs ever apart from Taiyou! Probably! Oh, but you are so ‘Western’. As Western as curryrice Ibetcher. (“Curryrice Ibetcher” would be an awesome character in ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’)!
2. Remember JJ Express? No, I don’t care either.
3. With a “FREY” and a “FREY”, hip hip hooray. NEWS have finally shown up! To sing their own song! I personally reckon that the only ‘perk’ of being a debuted band is that you don’t have to wear the hand-me-down flowery jackets as much, but OH NO QUELLE HORREUR – NEWS are in shiny bright electric blue pimp suits.
4. It looks particularly bad on Ryo-chan – who is a bit orange here? Oh, Kusano, there you are. Are his eyes a little unfocused? Hey, put your hand up to your nose and try and walk in a straight line, I dare you!
5. Waaaah, I almost want to cry now because Yamapi is in full on Akira mode (Nobuta filming right now p’raps). Ohgosh ohgosh Akira let’s drink mamechichi together okay, would you like my sandwich? *strokes hair*

6. Kusano finally anounces the title: “boysss beeee am-bash-shush”. Hey Johnnys, what’s the French for ‘boys be ambitious’?
7. No fannying about, straight into the AMBITIOUS MEDLEY! You’d think it might start with ‘ambitious japan’ by TOKIO here no, but One Day, One Dream by T&T, which is about as ‘ambitious’ as expecting Uchi Hiroki to get straight out of rehab and not fall straight into a tanning salon.
8. Kusano is definitely freaking out now, he is doing a song by KinKi Kids which I don’t know, because they are SO ANNOYING, whoever needs to know? But Kusano is shaking his meat to the beat if you know what I mean, and I’m starting to think I might now actually like it!
9. I hear Kusano’s studying in New York, “studying”, if you know what I mean, eh Akanishi? Oh, come back to us!! He’s now doing that dance where you sort of collapse your knees inwards. WIN WIN WINWIN.
10. OTOKOGUMI TIME!! ROCK!!! YEAAHHHHHHH!! ABC ROCCCCKKKKK!!! “Route 17 continues to show off”. So where does Route 17 actually take you in Japan huh?

Wiki says: National Route 17 is a highway on the island of Honshū in Japan. It originates at Nihonbashi in Chūō, Tokyo and terminates in the city of Niigata (the capital of Niigata Prefecture), where it meets Routes 7, 8, 49, 113 and 116).

FASCINATING. ON WITH THE SHOW!

11. I paused the show here to take a sip of my ‘Jazzy Ginger’ drink. It’s hard to take a breather in the first 20 minutes of the Shonen Club, you can get through about 20 songs in four minutes after all – hey! “Jazzy Ginger Drink” describes Jimmy Mackey as well! Synchonicity! Anyway! ABC are about to do backflips, dudes, they are so out of time! One is already in the full backbend, one squatting, one about to power off – this would never be accepted in michael jackson’s ‘thriller’ team!
12. For all this, I still love ABC. Cee does not agree with me. SHE IS WRONG.
13. Yay Massu comes out to sing Tomodoi Nagara by Arashi, I have a strange love for this song but we only get 3 lines before it changes into… oh hold on – a ’98 era KinKi Kids ballad. Kusano appears and STARES DOWN THE CAMERA. Blue something or other. “We carry a tiny love”, says my translator. Ha yeah that’s about right. VERY tiny.
14. Tegoshi’s colour really is not like, lime green. Once in the mid-90s, I think I had a shirt like that though. Bright lime sateen, gosh, those days can never come back. But they are, you know. I saw BODY SUITS in Matalan the other day. SHUT UP KINKI KIDS SONG. U DULL.
15. THANK YOU! Now we have the fan letter section where idols answer requests from the community! I note Shoon is standing next to Yamapi – in Jr semiotics this should mean he is the next most important!! This is like going for a wee in the urinal next to the president of the company! And STILL this man did not debut. But he is standing next to Yamapi, can’t you see how important this is?? In a stricter world this would mean they were engaged, the least they can do is debut him, COME ONNNNN.

16. Pi looks just like Akira and I can’t stand it, I want him to do a crazy Akira laugh and throw a custard pie at someone. Pi gives advice to someone who doesn’t know whether they should go to school or not (Pi has a degree now you know he is CLEVER).
17. Pi gestures with his jacket, revealing a vest underneath. “TAKE IT OFF”, I yell, and then realise I sound like a dirty old man watching a stripper. Oh Johnnys, the great leveller of us all. But oh gosh I cannot stand NEWS’ outfits in these. PLEASE ANYTHING, perform in your pants, that would be so much better. Do you think Johnnys have nightmares about performing in their pants? Do Johnnys… dream?
18. Or do they just have… nightmares?
18. Ya-ya-yah say that from April 2006 they will be high school students (beth???) so they’d like to sing a cool song, and Shoon says he wants to learn how to cook! “I do selfishly think that all men are about frying”. OH SHOOON! I love you. He’s going to to try and cook tonkatsu – it’s easy, Shoon dearest!!
19. Ya-ya-yah do their song called ‘Coward’ . I love the way that the non-major vocalists get handed microphones by an obsequious Jr halfway through their performance. WHICH THEY NEVER USE.
20. More banners with “mottos for 2006!”. Kato’s banner says ‘Respect Me’. Apparently Tegoshi is the only person who respects Shige. But even Tegoshi is losing respect for him! Shige, are you going to cry?? Yamapi’s one facial expression does STERLING WORK HERE. Whilst not moving at all it expresses perfectly “sorry, was someone speaking here?”. Awww. Everything about Shige means I should love him – he is the gawky underdog and I AM BRITISH, but… but… his jweb IS awesome though…

21. Ryo: “NO SLEEP. NO REST”. Noooooooo fewwwww-chaar. Oh, sorry.
22. Koyama says ‘less pudding’ because he needs to go on a diet, quite right, fatso! Ha ha! *pokes tummy*
23. Massu says ‘improving day to day’, that sounds quite boring. Oh Massu I would LOVE you to do ONE THING interesting ever. Przzz?
24. Tegoshi’s says “KILL THEM BEFORE THEY KILL YOU”, oh sorry, Tegoshi’s say “i want to do a back-flip on stage”. OK this was in 2006 – 2008 now, has he done one?? THey are difficult. I tried once, well I say ‘back flip’, I actually just lay down on my back but I suppose they have the same effect? Kinder.
25. Yamashita-kun (SQQQQUUUUUUUUUUEAL from audience) – “remember names”. ‘Whose names’, someone asks. IF HE COULD REMEMBER THEM THEN HE WOULDN’T NEED THIS SLOGAN NOW WOULD HE. IDIOT.

26. Kusano solo! He’s got glittery pink addidas 3-stripes going on! He looks like Sporty Spice! But oh hang on…
27. Crikey there is a LOT of crotch grabbing going on here – hang on, I thought KAT-TUN weren’t ON this show?
28. “Yr looking so so fine, let’s go all night long baby”
29. “sexy lady ride on time, ready yeah”.
30. RIIIIDE ON TIME RIIIIII-RIIII RIIIII RIDE ON TIME!!!

31. Srsly, Kusano, KAT-TUN paged. Oh yay, a backflip! This is just non stop hip rolling filth! Kusano? Can you… come back to us please?? I mean, even in this country, Take That need an extra member. Well they don’t NEED one, and all they do is advertise M&S these days but yeah, what?
32. Quiz time!! “Who is that Kid” sung in enka style! presented by Jimmy Mackey and some random from Five. Is it Daisuke whatsit?
33. Oh Meeshter Jimmy Mackey! Why are you salad of all the 80s? His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and any moment now I expect him to start dancing to ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’ and show off his new Rolex and boast about his bonus payments.
34. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz this is nowhere near as good as the skit where Jrs had to dress up as gyaru gurls and gossip on their phones and Shoon wore a wig and was VERY CONVINCING –> Give him a dorama you bastards.
35. Have you ever noticed how Pi always sits with his legs spread like a tart like those guys on the tube that never give you any space to sit in?? I hope he behaves better on the tube, I mean Metro, I mean Subway, whatever. Still I suppose he is really well endowed and I saw an ANIMATED GIF from ‘Kurosagi’ that proved it, right? sgfgsfgsskfsjfs. Sorry this quiz is FAR TOO DULL, I have nothing to say about it. Bad form, Shonen Club.

36. It’s Ryo-chan with a solo! English lyric check: “there’s a wall to block”? What on earth does that mean? Does it matter, when we get to listen to Ryo’s whiny little bitch voice? I have really come round to Ryo’s vocal, ahnm, style if you will, especially when he’s being EMO about life being unfair and how it makes him want to bite women and stuff. Ryo can’t see through his fringe! It makes me want to snip it! Snip snip!! Come here!!
37. …
38. OK, we need a moment to check off NEW’s 3rd outfit changes. Roadkill, check. Sateen, check. Sort of gold trim? Check. Embroidered flowers, yep. I can’t even deal with it. I think Kusano’s jacket is possibly quilted. Smocked? I’m blind!
39. Kisumai say their new thing for 2006 is a roller skating move called ‘new christina’! It’s a rollerskating move, Kitayama demonstrates. Very painful looking, I am surprised they don’t all get dreadful groin-strain.
40. DRUM medley?

41. Oh man I was hoping for about 60 drummers all at the same time! Especially Okura hitting an odaiko. Rowr. I am a huge fan of Johnnys drummers.
42. The chorus to this durmming songs goes ‘dondondondokodon’ etc etc. If you believe enthusiasts of ‘world music’, this is a technical term, but according to my copy of ‘Taiko no Tatsujin‘ for the DS, it is actually just “bam bam bam”, or, “bish bish bish”, but depending on whether it’s a “bam” or a “bish”, you hit the centre or outside of the drum. And if there’s a DOKODON, that means a mega-bish (or bam) – ie… PUT A DONK ON IT! There you go, a bit of drumming advice for all you aspiring drummers out there. Look up kuchi shoga yourself if you insist. Look, they aren’t even playing the drums here, shut up!
43. Apparently it took Kusano half a year to come up with ‘boys be ambitious’ as his theme, and he was inspired by the story of Takahashi Noriko, a marathon runner (not the one that appeared with him on the yax3 onigokko show)? Kusano learnt that muscles are burnt up when there’s no fat to use – took him this long? Anyway, and yeah that’s why “boys be ambitious”. Gotcha.
44. NEWS do “mafuyu no nagareboshi”. Oh, NEWS, your costumes – someone hates you. The audience now are practically screaming and fainting. I would do too if I had to wear… THAT. Screencap is required but it feels like cheating. In that I can’t find that words. There’s too many – atrocity, punishment, ahem, viscose ruffled trim. I am so pleased though that Kusano’s is still sort of ‘street style’ ie it has a HOOD and yet he still sort of carries it off. How on earth is this permitted?
45. NEWS and Jrs finish off with WONDERFUL WORLD! “because we can still keep it up”!!! Aye aye?? “take you to the wonderful world, because i am sure you can fly”!

The show ends and Yamapi starts grabbing the camera and shaking it – what indictment is this about NEWS now in that I am just very happy to see him happy and grinning? He’s probably drunk on some of Kusano’s special brew. I wish I had some Special Brew, this episode was actually… quite boring. And it didn’t even have Hey! Say! JUMP dragging it down. Feh!! If it weren’t for Shoon’s quote about frying I’d think… this was a waste of my otherwise dull Sunday night. Oh well!

I still have the original blog of the 2003 episode (which I just re-read and was way more fun and interesting than this!!) to post, and another 2005 episode hosted by KAT-TUN! So hopefully these will be more interesting!

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Responses

  1. I remember this episode! Oh, Kusano, your idiotic drunken FACE.

    The orochi taiko medley off this is still something I listen to regularly because it is AMAZING lol nippon eurobeat. with ROLLERSKATES. omg kisumai best junior group ever.

  2. I guiltily spent quite a lot of this episode hoping he would fall over and I could howl “ha ha lush” but unfortunately he must have taken some alka-seltzer before going on and some of that ‘hangover preventing’ tea, which amazingly prevents hangovers by dissolving a ‘magical mix’ in four pints of water and drinking that before going to bed. Oh right.

    This is not the best ep of the Shonen Club ever. Was this one of Jimmy Mackey’s last ones I wonder? When did he quit?

    Speaking of lolorientalism you need to stage some sort of intervention because I’ve had the last HSJ song in my head for about two weeks and I’ve started on ‘Scrap Teacher’…

  3. i watched an episode of ‘scrap teacher’ yesterday! it appears to be about how the lead HS7 kids are really creepy except for Nakajima and his hilarious growth spurt? plus a bunch of overt gokusen refs as if to disguise the gokusen steals? anyway seriously just watch ryuusei no kizuna instead, it’s way better.

    i’m guessing jimmy mackey quit when he went to university? idk i don’t think there was that much incentive to stay in JE given how slim his likelihood of debuting by then. Ah, the cut-throat world of idol management.

  4. ARRGHHHHHHHH NO SPOILERS!

    1PG recaps have done something to me in the sense that I now feel like I need to plot dewy eyed love moppet’s “progress” onto a graph.

    I feel that as soon as I see a tall Nakajima I will start to cry, fall over, and need to watch the episode of Nobuta where Shuuji finds his brother’s essay about his two-faced brother but at the end they go through a haunted classroom full of konnyaku together and SOMETHING OR OTHER ABOUT KIZUNA.

    I meant to watch another Ryuusei no Kizuna but instead I opened some wine, started watching Coffee Prince and I think I am going to die now. Shame it is old and no-one can squeal at it with me. Srsly, I have 1,000 words already just on the whole large drinking glasses as lifestyle choice thing.

  5. 커피프린스~~~ (wow i got the hangul so wrong on first try gee good thing i gave up korean) RECAP ITTTT. or just write about uh manic pixie dream girl and how i love her quite well-balanced adult relationship? o wait that’s me not you.

    maybe it’s not Nakajima who’s tall, i can’t tell who these juniors are any more, get off my lawn etc etc etc.

  6. No no I think you’re right, I have consulted a handy copy of POTATO and he’s clearly a giant freak but compared to the other HS7 tinies it could all be relative.

    DK is *such* a w4nker.

  7. wait wait just to make sure i remember this right, DK is manic pixie dream girl’s bit on the side yes? he is so so so irritating. also kind of… ugly?

    hs7 = lol adolescence. growth spurts! voices breaking! previously cute-looking kids going wrongfaced! so much to look forward to.

  8. The worst thing about my jmag birthday gift is that it has forced me to place HSJ members in a favourites list and that just feels as wrong as Son of Otokogumi’s face. I mean like whoa.

    Yep – DK is bit on the side, we’ve only SEEN him x2 (I’m up to ep 9 now I think) but woah yes, go fug yrself. He turns up, they walk barefoot on the grass in the rain and he makes some OTT gesture eg – I will buy all your art, I will fly you to NYC and you can design spoons for me, I will place you in a hall of mirrors and quicksilver delights with a xylophone so you can create your own symphony and hire a ballet troupe to interpret your inner sense of wonder through the medium of pointy-toe etc. Oh fuck off DK, we get it, let’s all bathe in 50,000won notes (nb I have 0 idea of exchange rates but you get my idea)


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