Appearing as a b-side on the new NEWS single: 愛はシンプルなカレーライス .

“Love is Simple Curry Rice”, yes?

If the official video doesn’t feature them wrestling in a pool of Vermont curry roux, I will be quite upset and shall be writing a sternly phrased letter to Jin Akanishi.

“Curryrice” is b-side to the “Fighting Man” single (oh! did we mention Yamapi is in a film where he is a boxer, who FIGHTS, and is allegedly a MAN? we DID?). It’s not very mentionable apart from that they appear to have hired Molesworth to write the English lyrics, which read “Don’t be wet! Get a grip” – suggestions of “Nishikido is a wede and I diskard him utterly” must have been left in the cutting room. B-b-b-but he IS a weed and could not lift wot the Japanese call… a…. a… kyuuri?

Of course, when you play outside of Japan, you need a new website, right? Suga Shikao sent out links to his myspace for his gig at the ICA, but trust Johnnys to splurge – like, with a domain name and everything!

Marvel at!: http://www.jinakanishi.us/

So over excitable! Gigs will be played! Tickets will be purchased! (Well hopefully!) Totally adorbs!! A picture of Jin in a ridiculously large hoodie on every page! I want to ruffle his hair but the hoodie is in the way (where is the pikachu hoodie curses).

Readers shall of course want to know about this Akanishi fellow’s background. Who would expect it to BREAK SHOCKING NEWS about KAT-TUN back in Japan? In particular you may be interested to note “Nakamura Yuichi” from Princess Princess D has joined KAT-TUN! Well, it’s not too much of a step, I believe he was in the “none-more-canon” Gokusen 2 (“noooooo more cry”!!). I consider this news to be straight from the horseys mouth, where Jin Akanishi is said horse. What of Nakamaru Yuichi? Only the whispering wind knows… my theory? TOTALLY hooked up with Alicia Keys.

I understand more US tour dates are announced… so, who’s coming to NY with me then? Road trip! By which I mean “train to the airport, aeroplane across the sea and then probably another bus” trip, but why let mere fripperies stand in the way of the sword destiny! (Oh just announce a European date already, jeez, loser).

I’m sure the reader(s) of this blog into jpopism, but not jspeakism, are familiar with GHOUL-FEST j-entertainment drip Tokyograph? Listlessly, I click through my subscription every couple of days, to note which lady idol is up the duff and which is the latest member of Arashi to confuse real life driving with Grand Theft Auto. (WILL EVERYONE STOP GETTING SHOT CRASHING CARS! – admittedly the news that all members of Arashi are now banned from driving by the Jimusho made me snort – and then, for some reason, imagine them cycling round ver Ginza on trikes – I don’t know). Anyway, it’s always the same news, with a different rotation of names, sometimes I wonder why I even bother remaining subscribed…

HOWEVER, today’s ‘news’ – I will warn you in advance it concerns the accused SMAP – is a goodie:

““Doku Tomato Satsujin Jiken… [is a new] variety show involved was the now-annual TV Asahi special “SMAP Ganbarimasu!!” On the show, the five members took on various challenges: Masahiro Nakai (37) played a survival “onigokko” game on a remote island for 12 hours, Takuya Kimura (37) ate only tomatoes for three days, Goro Inagaki (36) sang at karaoke until he achieved a score of 100, Tsuyoshi Kusanagi (35) climbed all of the hills in the Meguro ward within 24 hours, and Shingo Katori (33) lived a Jomon period lifestyle for an entire day. “

I MUST SEE WHAT KIMUTAKU LOOKS LIKE AFTER THREE DAYS OF TOMATOES. I suspect his MANE will have gone BRIGHT RED! He will be a ginger lion. Or at least, strawberry blond. Will they examine his wee? Tomatoes don’t have the same effect as asparagus, do they? I suspect that this is a front – the jimusho, not content with dvd sales, has signed SMAP up for CLINICAL TRIALS for the effect of a massive lycopene binge on yr lipid metabolism. Next week, Miyake Ken finds out what happens when you only eat crisps.

(Perhaps I will have a go at eating nothing but tomatoes for three days as well. What! I’m curious to see if it will turn me ginger!)

Wake up, sleeping blog! Yamapi has a new solo single out! It is called Loveless, let’s talk about it!

1. It does not sound like 20 electrical guitars and fuzzboxes put into a massive blender and then run over with a JCB. First hope, gone. Justification for hope: Yamapi’s curly perm/Kevin Shields curly perm, yesterday, GUESS MY THEORY;

2. On first listen it seems a bit of a plodder, but tomorrow I’ll inevitably be depressed and find Great Meaning in it so let’s leave the jury OUT for the moment;

3. Hello! Over-singing, my old friend! Johnnys /don’t/ over-sing and sound kinda… strained, like Yamapi does here! What’s going on? This is like when Ian Broudie put fuzz over… whichever single came after ‘Sugar Coated Iceberg’… REVOLUTIONARY?

4. Yamapi appears to have moved to NYC to be in Sex and the City, Johnny style, and is wearing a very fetching black coat.

5. THERE REALLY IS NONE MORE EMO – slow motion tear comes in at 00.21 and that’s counting the various intros to the promo video (just because you did it in Kurosagi, no need to do it again here).

6. Emo decision is somewhat perplexing – after last seasons Buzzer Beat where Yamapi played (disclaimer: I have only seen one episode of the hot-pink frenzy that is Boozer Beat) yr Basketball Mr. Nice Guy, there’s been huge amounts of promotion projecting Yamapi as… Mr Smiley! I know, right? It made sense for Daite Senorita to be angsty, because, yanno – KUROSAGI – but the choice of single is a wee bit at odds with recent activities do we not think? (Daite Senorita in itself is hardly emo!) – I suspect we’ll be back to blank-Yamapi from now on then… bah.

7. It’s Yamapi in a taxi! Yamapi standing in Grand Central Station! It’s all very high gloss but his miserable face recollects nothing less than Smalltown Boy (!), or at least the hollow-eyed beginning of it anyway… run away, turn away, run away…

8. The opening shot is actually a silhouette of a feminine figure shot from the back. My first thought was “HA HA, JIN AKANISHI IN A DRESS”. Why?! But now I can’t get the thought out of my head and NEITHER WILL YOU.

9. There are shots where he wears a bright white suit – this is how you can tell he’s still a boybandist. Thank god there’s SOMETHING you can rely on these days.

10. Brownie points from nice coat are lost in later SUBWAY SHOT where YamaPi appears to be wearing Uggs. *wince*

And for what it’s worth, Loveless isn’t even my favourite My Bloody Valentine Album, “Isn’t Anything” is far superior so *there*. Here’s (When You Wake You’re) Still In A Dream, or however those brackets work, from 1989 when YAMAPI PROBABLY WASN’T EVEN BORN OR SOMETHING. Ok, well Yamashita SHOON probably wasn’t born… kids these days.

I understand there is a Loveless manga. It looks k-crepey, so perhaps I should count my blessings that Yamapi isn’t dressed up as a (argh) ‘catperson’. I can almost forgive the Uggs in the face of such overwhelming fear.

PS – I can’t believe this is the first time I’ve had to create a ‘yamashita tomohisa’ category? C – we fail?

With due apologies to Dave Eggers, whose novel based upon ‘Wild Things’ will probably be read by some people… please find a possible synopsis for the forthcoming Jin Akanishi film-vehicle “BANDAGE” (it is like BANDAGE and BAND, AGE, do you see…. er…. not really…).

BANDAGE is about the confusions of a boy, Akanishi Jin, making his way in a world of rock and roll he can’t control. it’s the early 90s, and everyone in the big city looks like Johnny Dean out of Menswe@r. Akanishi forms a band to cope, but friendships and musical talents are tested by the drummer who will only listen to Shine compilations. When the band’s manager becomes obsessed with Tiny from Ultrasound, Akanishi begins to feel inferior. Despite a regime of comfort eating, he’s not sure if they, (or indeed, he), will ever make it big. His sister is becoming a teenager and only listens to Dr. Alban. During a fight over romos v. Heavy Stereo, Akanishi changes the name of the band to LANDS, and sets out for the open road, destination unknown…

I apologise, again to Dave, and to poor readers who don’t even know who Ultrasound are, and have no need to know. Sorry.

Ah but come on, it’s exciting isn’t it, Jin Akanishi! In a big screen movie! Out in January! It’ll be like Espresso Bongo! Imagine, a performing artist, recruited into an exploitative contract? Ah, it could never happen…

New season drama? With Takizawa Hideaki, Nishikido Ryo and Hikaru Yaotome? A reference to a two-headed dog in the title? The premise? Nishikido Ryo has the heart of an angel… but can kill with just one touch. Takizawa Hideaki has the heart of a devil – but has healing hands! Together they… they… they? Touch each other and cancel each other out? Everyone who I have spoken to about this drama reacts, “whut??”. I have to watch it.

Orthrus no Inu – Orthrus’s Dog. For background: Orthrus was a dog, rather than someone who had a dog – he was the brother of Cerberus – the less famous one who didn’t sell out for a spot in the Aenid. Orthrus had two heads rather than three, and his map was eliminated by Heracles as part of his tenth labour. Two heads = a binary = do you see. (Yes, I know it doesn’t really either). Orthrus doesn’t appear in “Myths and Legends” and I suspect won’t really come up in this drama either… let’s recap this biz.

Night. Heavy rain, pounding the streets. A man stands on a rooftop, brooding… watching. Looking out over the…. City of Angels. A vampire with a sou- oh hang on, wait! That Epic Historical hair… I’d recognise it anywhere. That’s not David Boreanz, the butter-sucking vampire. This is not Los Angeles. This is the one, the only, the Takizawa Hideaki! And we’re not watching Angel – no matter what the director of the show seems to think. More rain pours. Tackey sucks on a stick of butter. Down 50 storeys, Nishikido Ryo – soaked to the skin – is in a police station confessing… to a murder. Nishikido stares at his hands.

A portentous Tackey voiceover.

“If there was a way to change the world… is God the only one allowed to?”

The camera tilts.

Shifts. Aha… I think I see what type of drama this shall be.

Tilt yr neck and flashback with me, to happier times, where cameras were steady and our necks less cricked. Ryo Nishikido is Aoi Ryosuke, attempting to convince the police he’s a killer. Let’s flashback before we get bored of this. Ryo (oh thank goodness, I can keep calling him Ryo when the lines between idol and character blur…), is a genial teacher at a gurl’s private school. White shirt, cream waistcoat, pink tie. Possibly the worst outfit ever. Dressing as a Peaches and Cream Chupa Chup might work onstage with NEWS, with a LOT more sparkles – but not here, dear heart. Turn to page 22, students.

Interspersal with shots from the police station, here’s a Detective Hasebe pulling a Calleigh duCane at the start of CSI Miami. Gun gun shoot shoot boom boom pow.

Wide-eyed pupil by the name of Shirakawa approaches Aoi after class for A Talk. Her tense expression matched with Aoi’s caught in the headlights expression makes me think this is going to lead to a teacher-touched-me accusation, but no, thank goodness. Shirakawa thinks she’s in danger – she overheard some dealers at a club discussing Dark Matters. Outfit watch: is that a pleather shift dress, ginger wig and cowboy hat? The Dealers are discussing some girl, who they didn’t kill – they just left her on the mountain. Uh-oh. Best stay out of this conversation and hope they never notice you…

Predictably…

“Gasp!”

Uh-oh. The dealers look up. Pleather!Shirakawa shuts the door quickly.

Back to school, tense expressions across the table. Fixed grin still plastered on, Aoi tells her that without any evidence, the police are unlikely to believe her. (I’m not sure why he’s saying this – unless we’re meant to make deductions from the outfit that she’s somehow a Bad Girl – all she’s done is overheard a bad conversation, it’s not like she was buying drugs from them or there’s another personal connection that would prejudice testimony? Aoi tells Shirakawa not to worry, and he’ll raise the issue with the Principal.

“Don’t worry! Leave it to me!” – oh foreshadowing do I hear your dulcet tones?

Tower block. Shirakawa running. Inevitable conclusion is inevitable – she trips, falls down the stairs. The Dealers, for it is they, hot on her heels, steadier in their stylish yet affordable boots. She appears to be grasping several baggies of large orange pills. Hard evidence, I’d say? Hard pavement, too. She falls. She doesn’t get up. The dealers pick up the baggies – but leave one in her hand. Camera Angle = challenging and edgy. Get used to this, friends.

From the city to the fields – RAVE ON FEEL DA VOIB: young people! neon colours! this can lead to no good. There’s lots of whopping and hollering, which I for one would find really fucking ANNOYING at a rave but whatever. here’s UNdercover and UNconvincing Detective Hasebe, throwing herself at a That Dealer Again for, DRUGS. Hint 1. Perhaps you shouldn’t wear your suit when you go to psytrance raves? I’m sure it IS your shortest one, and by gum there’s nothing wrong with being dedicated to your work and having outfits to match, but couldn’t the undercover department bring you a fluffy bra and some hotpants?

God that’s a lot of Look going on with the Dealer. Bling street style, conspicuous power displays and depiction of wealth is one thing – but you never see that do you? From the kids in Gokusen (as gangsta as Bob the Fluffy Bunny) to these kids. It’s the JE renzoku yankii paint by numbers kit. Bleach job, bad perm, leopard print shirt, tats. What did “Men’s Egg” ever do to NHK? That Dealer Again is taking a shine to Unconvincing Detective, but other dealer – Kumakiri looks more suspicious. Kumakiri appears to have a barbed-wire tattoo that spirals around his body from lower arm to halfway up neck which is ambitious considering he’s about 12.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. Kumakiri is Hikaru Yaotome! Full disclosure – I still miss Ya-Ya-Yah, I love Hikaru and his wonky teeth, and he is pretty much the only reason why I bothered to hear the first couple of Hey!Say!JUMP songs.

I was secretly pleased when Hikaru (and Yabu) were spared the exasperated “oh must we” sighs of appearing in Gokusen 3, but seems the forces still want to get him in yankii garb anyway. Does JE have *any* appeal to yr average Egg reader? Is this the way JE tries to flog their idols to those into that sort of thing? What socioeconomic class does JE aim towards anyway? I know that “London Drunks” can’t be ENTIRELY representative… I’m sure that some people would say JE is so monopolistic it doesn’t need anything so déclassé as a market share when IT IS THE MARKET. I’m trying to find an excuse for the hair product. In bed with L’Oreal? Aaaaanyway this is by the by.

Kumakiri nurses a plastic pint glass full of beer and scowls. Urge to pinch his cheeks and buy him another pint – just for the adorability! – rises.

WEEDY TUSSLE as Unconvincing Detective reveals herself as a Detective. Well done. I’ll call you UCD from now on. Kumakiri nabs the gun from UCD, who puts up feeble resistance for about 2 seconds – this is Tokyo’s Finest?? – and grins manically as he raises his arm. Revealing a set of deliciously wonky teeth. I revel silently. Kumakiri fires, gets Hasebe in the arm. UCD struggles a little more in her restraints until Violet Elizabeth Nishikido runs in yelling and promptly falls over his feet, right on top of That Dealer Again. Kumakiri starts whaling on Aoi , kicking him in the head with what looks like a good element of relish. You know how J&A members being violent is generally unconvincing/cartoonish? I’m starting to feel some weight behind those kicks, Hikaru. Do we have a kouhai/sempai re-wenge situation manifesting itself? Will we have to wait for fanficcers to tell us?

That Dealer Again (whose name is Shuuhei but who cares), about to fire at UCD. Aoi grabs him into a bear hug, and a pulse the colour of wet stone radiates across his body. His veins go black and lace across his body. A deep cuttlefish black. His eyes roll in his head in a really quite icky manner. Cool? Hikaru growls, and after some impressive face pulling at Aoi, who is like, just standing there, wondering whether he left the oven on or not, legs it. UCD faints. Aoi stares at his hands. Oh god, I’m going to be singing Men Without Hats forever, aint I? The body lies in front of him. Dead.

OMINOUS SHOT OF TACKEY IS OMINOUS.

Back to the cop shop. Another CSI: Miami rip off option? A coroner/forensic who croons over the corpses on the table like Alexx with 2 xes. Don’t know this coroners name. UCD asks for cause of death, and Manic Pixie Coroner chirps “tenbatsu”, aka “divine punishment”. Otherwise known as a happy-looking heart attack. UCD sighs, and asks for possible causes. No drug use evidenced. Stun gun? Language fans: Japanese for ‘stun gun’ is “stun gun”. UCD is also investigating a case called Skeletal College Girl. Not expanded upon further this episode. Just… FYI.

Debrief room, or something. UCD’s superior runs in, high-blood-pressurises at UCD for her risky behaviour and suspends her from further action. How handy. We can see her go home so we can meet her mandatory Adorable Small Child At Home Who Misses Her Mummy.

Back in the present. Aoi has managed to get past reception and is in the cells, confessing to the murder of Dealer A. Well actually, right now, he’s sitting staring through a very thick fringe whilst the police are all “huh. right” from behind a two-way mirror. UCD is there, despite being suspended . Oh yet another flashback to the club where Shirakawa overheard the dealers and a recap of the conversation I just recapped. In the old days we had corridor scenes for padding. What, NHK, can’t you afford another corridor? Update: Shirakawa’s dress wasn’t pleather. I made that up because I am – apparently – insane. Hasebe asks what happened with Dealer A. He says ‘what happened is what happened’. Helpful!

Aoi stares at his hands some more. CHALLENGING CAMERA ANGLE…. and he rasps…

“My hands are… the hands of the Devil”.
They look pretty nice to me, Ryo-chan.

Cut to a French restaurant. Autopsy lady is describing her beautiful corpse with relish, tenbatsu and describing the delicious quantity of meat that tastes better when it’s not stressed before it’s killed. Getting off on your corpses, much? She’s having dinner with some beardy fellow named Sawamaru, “Japan’s Mr. C.I.A”. They drink from large wine glasses. Not as large as in Korean dramas but what could ever be? Sawamaru looks intrigued~.

Aoi gets banged up. His shirt is lilac. Now he looks like a Parma Violet.

More disclosure: I’ve just finished watching the Quiz Show, which featured another work-focused fairly high powered female (although her male boss makes a powerful presence from the start JUST IN CASE you were concerned she might be like in charge or whatever), with another Adorable Small Child At Home Who Misses Her Mummy. It was a bit – uh. On cue: UCD goes home to meet her AMCAHWMHM. Pigtails check. Missing teeth, check. Small child sleeps with an asthma diary by her bed, which has a REALLY OMINOUS CLOSE UP on it, so perhaps we’re meant to think her asthma is kinda life threatening? Uh – wasn’t there another drama a while back with life threatening asthma? Argh, what was it. Yes, I know asthma *can* be serious….
Shugo Oshinari appears to be babysitting MASC. Shugo! I loved you in Yamada Tarou…

Shugo appears to be a researcher from a pharmaceutical company… and does a bit of promo for euthanasia as a use for being able to kill with a single touch. “Didn’t you wish you had the power?” “Does it have something to do with your job?” UCD changes the subject, and the babysitting… researcher… leaves. That seemed pointless… and… confusing. Presence of Pharma in the home? Fears of intrusive research on adorable children for an Agenda?

The streets. Rain. A homeless has been arrested, screaming about hands of the devil. UCD links them, starts howling at her boss for more information – DESPITE BEING SUSPENDED – oh whatever… Ninomiya, the homeless guy, used to be a policeman. After witnessing a triple homicide, he lost everything, mind first it seems. A flashback shows three twitching corpses pans to reveal Ryuzaki (Tackey!), standing over them, deadpan .A bloodstained knife lies on the floor.

“I wonder if it was really a knife”, UCD muses. OK, in the real world, wouldn’t her superior just be pressing a discreet health and safety button alarm under the desk for paranoid delusion?

EMO GUITARS. A pan across Ryuzaki, white pyjamas, bare feet. Death row.

UCD heads to see prison head, Sugimoto. His head office appears to be leftover from the set of Yuukan Club, in the whole beige and yellow tone thing, like if it had been sold to the public sector. Sugimoto is shot exclusively on a slant, creepy music plays, he attempts a bribe – first for catch, then for a grope. Okaaaay… luckily, UCD easily throws him off, and mashes up his face for good value.

More ominous close-ups, now of brick and bars.

Ryuzaki’s cage has a huge painting of a biblical scene. Hahahaha! No idea what it is. I’ll try and add a screenshot at some point.

UCD spouts off about Dead Dealer, and how he was killed by someone who claims he can kill with a single touch. She gives Ryuzaki Aoi’s name and shows him his photo. Crossly she says that no-one seems to believe her crazy story about devil hands.

“Three years ago, you killed three people. Could it have been you have the same power?”

Sugimoto laughs. Totally wrong.

“Just by touching… his hand can cure any wound, or illness”.

Ryuzaki broods.

“His hands are… the hands of God”.

OMG!! The binary! Do you see! UCD double-takes. Sugimoto leaves, and Ryuzaki pads silently to the front of the cage and faces UCD.

“Do you really believe in such a power? “, Ryuzaki asks. “There are many things that only exist because people believe in them.”

zzzzzzzzz

“An example. Gorillas at the beginning of the 20th century were thought as imaginary creatures”.

Whaaaaaaat!

“If people believe, it will exist”.

So, Ryuzaki – your logic is that Gorilllas didn’t exist until enough people shouted loudly enough that they believed in fairies?? What a criminal genius mind you have! I shall eat it with a nice chianti and… some fava beans. So, people believed in gorillas, and then they existed, therefore, if you believe he has healing hands – he has healing hands. Despite the fact that you know he has healing hands, because Prison Warden has just told you. Which of course, makes perfect sense – you wouldn’t want to be keeping something like that secret, would you? It occurs to me that we’re making huge leaps here – Ryuzaki is locked away for murdering 3 kids with a knife. One homeless guy who saw the crime scene yells about “devil hands” and suddenly UCD is disbelieving in gorillas and er – uh – er I am going to have to quickly move on.

Ryuzaki dismisses her with instructions to bring Aoi to him, and ponders over Aoi’s photo in a way that doesn’t appear at all EVIL or PLOTTING. At alllll.

Next scene: The Hotel Lastat! Ahahahahhaa. Everyone’s looking rather pale… this scene is slightly confusing but I am sure it will Mean Something in Due course. A pharmaceutical boss is visiting the Minister of Social Welfare who is laid up in bed. This is completely hush hush. She has a heart problem and apparently, if the media found out, it would be “the end of her life as a politician”. The pharma guy says it is essential to them that she survives, to win the next presidential race. So, some sort of politician in the hands of a Big Pharma lobby, then? Pharma in politics, pharma in the home.

IMPORTANT INTERLUDE. Aoi finds a box of puppies. He cuddles the puppies, and as the paw over his hand, looks pensive, and traumatised. The Piano of Abandoned Puppies plays, Aoi walks off – oh the poignancy! So innocent, but in the hands of a killer. The piano keeps playing through a scene, as UCD explains about Ryuzaki’s God Hand. And just in case we didn’t Get It – a cut shot to the hospital, where Shirakawa is in a coma. The piano swells to the “What Is It With Nishikido Ryo And The Old Bed-Side Manner Dance” peak, strings and all.

Back at the Prison. UCD has successfully delivered Aoi – on the basis that Hands Of A Feather [Should] Stick Together? Does she think they need a mutual support group? That… what?? Ryuzaki is locked up for murderising in the conventional way, Aoi wants to be locked up for murdering in the Devil’s Hand way. What benefit will accrue from meeting privatelyThe advert previews by the way, give away THE ENTIRE NEXT like, 20 minutes. Way to go.

There are some terrible enforcing shots here. Everyone POINTS at each other, DRAMATICALLY, with their HANDS, because this drama is all about HANDS. Groan.

Because this is sane, UCD and Prison Guy let Ryuzaki and Aoi have a Private Conversation. Aoi approaches the cell to find Ryuzaki standing bolt upright in the cell, waiting. I facepalm. Tackey: Yoshitsune you might have been, but Anthony Hopkins you are NOT. The cell doesn’t appear to be under surveillance – no cameras watching someone so dangerous he has his own special solitary cell made of plastic and jam?? Sure. All the prison budget spent on hiring that Yukan Club set. Prison Warden has his wounds healed, and – exit. Leaving two known killers with unknown supernatural/God-given powers, alone, unobserved? One of them demonstrably homocidal – and from the clunky “analysis” section before I guess we’re meant to assume he’s got the same Hannibal Lecter manipulative talk going on?

It doesn’t take long for Ryuzaki to convince golden-hearted Aoi that Ryuzaki has been wrongfully locked up – that on the outside he could help people? If only Aoi could use his powers on the prison guard, Ryuzaki could then heal him and they can… escape together into the night? Ryuzaki riffs on the X-Men ‘we’re all mutants together’, with a soupcon of ‘no-one understands~ us’ and appeals to Aoi’s sense of justice… and that they have BOTH killed. Perhaps they are not so dissimilar! Maybe they are two sides of the same coin? Wouldn’t they have been better doing a Janus reference here rather than Orthrus? Bed of suspenseful sub-Halloween campygoth music runs. And runs. Irritating. Aoi, convinced by this murderer he’s known for about 2 minutes, grabs the Prison Guy in a bear hug.

OF DEATH!!!

The pulse thumps through his body. It’s a really good effect! The creepy eye roll happens again, even more shuddersome this time. Aoi races back to the cell and releases Ryuzaki. Ryuzaki appears to be in no great rush to come out and revive Prison Guy. Strike me down! Aoi is all but hopping from foot to foot. Ryuzaki heads over to the detective, puts his hands to him… and lifts his wallet and gun. Wuh-wah! Welcome to the land of Who Saw THAT Coming.

“Even I, can’t bring back the dead. when humans die, that;’s the end of them”.

Someone has a God complex huh? Oh god. “WE’re the result of evolution. Perhaps the ones with no powers should b efiltered out”. Oh m mnust we?

Aoi depestartely grabs for Ryuzaki’s ankle but is knocked out. Just as I am about to type about how I feel totally terrible for Aoi here – a baroque twiddle? Frothy europop that sounds a bit like “Spice up your life”? It’s the obligatory Tackey theme tune, which plays over another good 10 minutes of action in an, interesting, editorial decision? The theme tune is haughty and hysterical, and totally Tackey. It’s a shame that it’s not at all… RYUZAKI and is the WORST song they could play right at the middle of the first episodes pivotal DE-NOU-MENT! As soon as it ends, back to gothic guitars of angst. I mean, Tackey is hardly ever going to release a Blue Oyster Cult cover version, no matter what a bad bastard his drama character plays, but… eh??? Don’t put his frothy, Latin-lite song right over totally inapproriate events!

Ryuzaki turns the gun on Aoi. Of course he’s not going to heal him. No-one can bring the dead back to life. Ryuzaki knocks him out, legs it and does the classic “nick coppers outfit and wander out NO-ONE SHALL SUSPECT ME” hoosit. He wanders out. No-one suspects him.
Except UCD, who has clearly seen ANY PRISON BREAK SHOW EVER and is ploughing her own lonely furrow – seriously does she never have any backups encountering the Bad Bastards? She corners him with the gun. But, Ryuzaki reminds her, if she shot him – think of all the people he could cure that he wouldn’t be able to? Just in case we’d forgotten: flashback to her small child’s ASTHMA DIARY. He edges closer, whilst UCD thinks solemnly about all the sick and injured people in the world. Nicks the gun.

Escapes.

Rooftop.

BROOOD.

Butter!!

I predict I might make about four more episodes of this. It depends whether it goes more “Angel” (needs lots more Tackey), or focuses more on Nishikido who has been kinda… disappointing so far? After I really liked him in Ryuusei no Kizuna – wah. On saying that, it’s early days, and all Tackey has done so far has been a villain by numbers with some special effects on his hands. Hikaru has been the best. Go Hikaru!!

ROB-EMO WATCH:

Ryo Nishikido is so emo it hurts (oh wait! that’s um the point?); he is more emo than Robin Hood, Bandit Way’s dirty nappies and five kicked puppies. In “A litre of tears” he was the boyfriend (well – the “it’s complicated”, if we want to be all facebook about it) of someone suffering from a terminal degenerative disease, and now HE is suffering from a terminal degenerative disease and woe, misery, doom and despair. This is a one off drama airing during 24 Hr Television (if that means anything to you – for me generally it just means Arashi wear bad matching tshirts).

“Niini no Koto wo Wasurenaide”, in which our hero has many Adventyures and a Promysyne Future, yet the cruelleth Fayte doth Preye upon his Cerebellum by a Tumour of the Brayne, whereupon the loving familial Bosom is rejected in Wrath – for hours and hours – THEN HE DIES AND THAT IS THAT – GLOOM AND DOOM SHALL REIGN FOREVER ALL SHALL WORSHIP RYO-CHAN AND DESPAIR.

Woes. I will probably watch it and have to hide in my room depressed for a month as a result, oh plus ca change… (Although this has reminded me that Ryo is in another drama, is he not, ORTHRUS, with Tackey?! I know even less about this but perhaps each one is playing one of the dog heads? Orthrus being a two-headed dog, although I don’t know how he is different from Cerberus, and in fact thought they might have been the same – hi, I don’t know my classics, what are you going to do – sue me).

NONE MORE “THIS IS SO CODED” WATCH:

Let’s just throw this out there and say “johnnys entertainment does not code entirely straight”. Don’t need to go into this too much right now? But this is getting ridiculous. Two (2) ‘new’ units have debuted this week, both featuring Nakayama Yuma (yuck-a more like). And their names!

Unit 1: Yuma ft. B.I Shadow

Unit 2: “NYC Boys” (Nakayama – Yamada [ryosuke! delm!!] and Chinen [lilly]) – ugh.

*gestures wildly* “BI Shadow” is one thing, but NYC Boys, if anything, is even worse!! Tiny spangly boys in disco-geddon shocker? Chinen Yuri as a baby Village Person?? The first hit on Google for “NYC Boys”, with SafeSearch ON, is – really a) not Safe and b) ENTIRELY DEMONSTRATIVE – this whacks so many queer subcultcha (although hardly very ‘sub’ I guess!!) buttons and it’s kinda… wrong! Actually, it has occured to me it could be worse if it were “CYN Boys”. Oh god!! Is there NO WAY to give underage boys in tight sequinned trousers a band name which is NOT entirely coded to death!? Oh, um…. ah.

NB I have actually not heard a song by NYC Boys – or even a performance – but you can take a wild guess about what it might be like can’t you. I *have* heard the Yuma ft BI Shadow song, for what it’s worth. It is notwhere near as good as NEWS Nippon – but then again what could ever be? The song was fairly non-intrusive, more noticeable was the Music Station studio sardine-packed with Johnnys in a way I haven’t actually seen for a while. I kinda missed it, I guess!

So, given two units debuting in two weeks, I wonder who will complete the rule of 3? At this rate, I expect my boss will probably debut with Nakayama Yuma… (crikey, she IS going on holiday next week… OMG)!

I don’t know if when Mr. Johnny starts rumbling in Johnny Towers, that it is ACTUALLY possible to hear it from my dingy London bedsitter* – but don’t you think those Johnnys Juniors have actually been doing *stuff* lately? Well, what I mean is, I guess I paid a little more attention because work has been dull lately, or perhaps they’re just being louder? Or perhaps FAVOURITISM, and it’s ugly mirrorface, HATERADE is rearing it’s ugly head.

FAVOUR!!
Have I mentioned that one of my favourite Juniors is random Kansai Jr Bunichi Hamanaka? He is my favourite for the following reasons. 1. Phil Oakey hair. 2. His name has “bun” in it. 3. Hamanaka is a super craft brand in the J-pan who make brilliant crochet hooks which I am a big fan of. If I weren’t already going to get RSI from searching Japanese google for pictures of Jin Akanishi’s pants then these crochet hooks would help. So I think of Phil, I mean, Bunichi, and my hands and heart feel soothed. Isn’t that nice.

ANYWAY – so I like I say, I wasn’t paying much attention, and then I caught an episode of the Shonen Club. Bunichi has now been yanked from the back pages of the idol mags by Mr. Hideaki Takizawa (I am sorry I forgot your first name on the radio, Tackey…) to form a new Jr group under Tackey’s direction called Butoukan (gawd ppl on LJ are quick and googleable, yes?) which means: Dance! Fight! Take the crow(n)! How excitable! I hear they are a “dance unit”, but what does this mean?! All Johnnys dance – from the “Now and Forever” PV I’m not seeing anything special. No “the worm”, nary even a caterpillar… yet! I think this is good news, and the first time I have ever ‘supported’ a Junior who hasn’t been dashed on the rocks of fate. Oh Yamashita Shoon, wind waker. I still love you you know, you deserve better than the back pages of idol mags. Are you REALLY a law student?! If any readers know whether Shoon Yamashita is now a law student could you please tell me? IT IS RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS.

TIME FOR THE HATERADE
This can’t really count as haterade – you will see why – whilst Phil, I mean, Bunichi, is my favourite Kansai Jr, my least favourite is Yuma Nakayama. UGHHHHH from his awful gurning face which haunts my nightmares, to his stupid last name which tries to make out he could have the strange unnatural beauty of NAKAmaru Yuichi and the ROOLZ!POWER of YAMAshita Tomohisa (some may say he cannot help his last name, and that it is hardly an uncommon name on any of their parts, and to those points I say PAFFF), his terrible teeth (Johnnys frequently have terrible teeth I know! It pulls at my heartstrings but Nakayama gets bad teeth WRONG, I mean how is that even POSSIBLE) – ahkfgasfgskfga. Something about him makes me get a headache. And then I worry that – perhaps the problem is me?! I am reacting against him because he is not the Perfect Johnny? And Johnnys has scuppered my ability to acknowledge people outside of the ridiculous photoshopped appeal of the hordes of pretty?? And then I think – GAHHHH and I dislike Nakayama even MORE.

But now I think I might have to like him! And the reason is thus: today I hear Nakayama (and Shintaro Morimoto who is actually a foetus) is appearing in a new Fuji tv drama called “Koishite Akuma ~ Vampire Boy.” <– dude. Vampires AND a tilde?! I am so there! Matchy is going to be in it too! Whether he is going to be Daddy Cullen I know not. But, srsly – I think Mr Johnny has been catching up with Twilight – AND I THINK I LIKE IT.

I shall stop now, save to ponder that if Matchy is going to appear with some Jrs in a drama, what of his old unit pals – Question Question Mark? (I used to hate them as well, for playing their own instruments and being all “ooh i’m very good, look at me, look at the weasel in my guitar, ooh yes double arpeggio THAT, Daisuke, ooh very gooood”, but then I came round to them and their silly little faces. Now I like them almost as much as chocolate “pudding”! They are sort of the Pans People of Johnnys I suppose – the distracting “actual music” element rather than the interpretative dance which constitutes so much of the rest of the wonderful televisual experience that is the rest of idolworld…).

NEXT: will someone remind me to post what I’ve been meaning to post about for a couple of weeks – The Quiz Show starring Arashi’s Sho Sakurai (THIS TIME HE’S A MENTAL!) and Kanjani8’s Yoooou Yokoyama (this time he’s EVIL, OH HE IS)? I mainlined four episodes in a row before my last exam and if I fail I am going to blame it on the effort I had in suspending my disbelief that I was supposed to be able to hold ANY sort of belief that anything in the show could srsly happen for more than ONE SECOND. Does anyone else have the problem that whenever they think of YOOOOU from Kanjani8, that they have to say it in a Soulja Boy Tellem voice? YOOOUUUU!!! Just me then? OK. (it’s not my fault – i was fine when everyone romanised it as ‘yuu’, but when it’s ‘you’? I can’t help it!!)

*nb I do not actually live in a bedsitter, but I do love the word. Does anyone use it these days apart from Marc Almond obsessives and poor unfortunates who read too many terrible “crime club” novels? But THAT is a post for Freaky Trigger when I get round to it… needless to say if you find anything by “Simon Brett”, NEVER READ IT. SO BAD. UGHHHHH.

Both of us are busy with exams, or jaunts abroad, however you’d like to call it and that’s my excuse for the lack of posts lately. I don’t want to neglect the world of Jyani though so let’s have a quick roundup of the latest ‘things’ in JE:

– Tsuyoshi Kusanagi was found drunk, howling and naked in a park, neojaponisme later found drunk, howling and with it’s knickers in a twist over Shingo Katori’s weepy apology. Your writer, who should be studying for her own law exams, wonders why the Zizek quoting (I’ll just get my coat NOW should I) commentary is tagged under ‘law’ – perhaps there’s been a community service order for Kusanagi to dress up as Pipo-kun for 6 months! As long as he keeps his clothes on. Make the punishment fit the crime – and as an extra bonus you wouldn’t be able to hear him sing under the blue badger suit! Oh – and we can have the argument about Pipo-kun being a badger or a raccoon or a whatever later.

– Yamapi my baby my poor baby WHY HAVE THEY MADE YOU GINGER?? And dare I say it – with some green roots? He is so ginger that the June episode of Wink Up has their NEWS photoshoot in black and white. And the hair is so long that, combined with his increased scrawniness, he reminds me of 2005’s (ridiculous yes, but strangely loved too) drama Dragonzakura. Also, I once mistook him for.. Hiroki Uchi?? PLEASE – how?? Have a pic.

– Rumours that idol mags are £12 now are pish by the way – ~£10 in JC and Mitsukoshi. And no, I ddn’t buy any~ Speaking of Mitsukoshi – I went there for the first time today (what a strange place – upstairs is all GucciOrlaKierlyBerry and downstairs is half expensive British treats and a Japanese mag newsrack and bookshop – there’s another section which is possibly a travel agents but it was full of ladies otsukareing all over the place so I didn’t peek my head round the door). They also stock Hanako but didn’t have the issue with Akanishi that I posted about a while back. That’s probably a good thing else I’d have had to lick the pages until the pigment came off on my tongue. (Also Harumi cooking mag is 4 quid cheaper than the JC but this isn’t neoharumisme is it so I’ll shut up).

– Koi no ABO is the new NEWS single; it is about getting it ON with ladies of different blood types and bizarrely, I’ve needed to medicinally have it on repeat since it came out? Who would have thought I needed so much orchestra hit in my life? OH HOLD ON WAIT. Curly perm watch: all over the shop. WOMEN watch: tonnes!! Loads!! Since I posted (maybe on another blog??) about the shocking WOMEN in KAT-TUN’s RESCUE vid (goth bosh! oh never leave us), NEWS have got women too? I’m concerned this is going to end with them putting Chinen Yuuri in a wig…

– I have the feeling Koi no ABO is more fuel for my NEWS as the band for every occasion – where ‘every’ is an absolute. NEWS have a song about “it being the SUMMER” (guraranteed banker every year!), one entitled “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” (and I believe everyone in continued existence will coincidentally have one of these each year?), emo Ryo-chan has a song called ‘ordinary’ (so emo it’s in lower case romaji! nurse, the salts). The album titles! “touch”! “color”! Pacific is slightly different but no less bland a title (and not my favourite NEWS album either tbh). I was anticipating a song perhaps about funerals or barmitzvahs next, but no – blood type!! Everyone has BLOOD! And a TYPE! However, no mentions of negative or positive. Does that not matter? For what it is worth, like Jin Akanishi, your author is blood type O. So do not worry Jin baby if you get swine flu you can have some of my blood if it becomes necessary.

– Speaking of KAT-TUN, I believe they have another album out (not heard it) and as such they have been promoting it. Whilst, as I sa, I hav not heard the alBUM, I have learnt the following new items ie viz:
— Jin Akanishi has the longest arm (77cm) and longest little fingernail (1.1cm) in KAT-TUN. I knew the big dumb sack was my favourite for a reason. I don’t think he has smiled yet in 2009 which is similarly close to my experience too :( Cheer up, us!
— Koki Tanaka’s solo song is called PIERROT which is worrying and scary. Junno’s is called WIND which I am afraid I am too childish not to snigger at.

Oh yeah and Johnnys talent is at number one in the hit parade (NEWS), album charts (KAT-TUN) AND dvd charts (Hayseed Bump) because someone people are actually buying Hey!Say!JUMP! stuff. Good old (naked) (screaming) JE. *relaxes*

So, SMAP who? Guess how much I can’t even be arsed to tag this post…